Mermaid Lagoon

Armed with a new swimming costume (£30+ off thank you very much), my goggles and my Ariel towel I went to Tenterden swimming pool today.

I should explain.  While I enjoy being at the pool on holiday, I actually am scared of swimming.  Ironically the reason is because I'm scared of sharks and instead of this motivating me to become a better swimming, has made my swimming skills move right down to an awkward doggy paddle.

But today I faced my fear and swam underwater for the first time in about a decade.  And no sharks came to get me!!

It was also therapy day today which was majorly helpful.  We talked about my frustration of my feeling stuck and came to the conclusion that it is because I still haven't been given a resolution.  Also my frustration that in this game I hold absolutely no cards and cannot do anything to fight for what I want - nothing is on my terms or time.

She asked me to say what I would say to someone else in my situation.  I answered honestly that I would probably shake them and tell them to grow up and stop Ophelia-ing, then go to the person causing the hurt and do my best to beat them to a pulp.  She asked why I couldn't follow this advice myself.  Why I'm continuing to be patient even though it's really painful, holding out even though it's making me feel worthless and deliberately trying to put myself in danger.  My answer was that I'd seen the more complex side of the story and couldn't look at things in such a black and white way.  I'd spend about five minutes focusing on the negatives and being angry and cross, but then remember the good things and be happy and wistful again.  I'd think of all the things that annoyed me about this individual, and then I'd remember the positives.  I'd try and imagine them unhappy (ala Lily Allen's 'Smile') but that would just make me sad as well and want to be there to support them.

So in the meantime while I feel stuck in the mud and am unable to clamber out of it myself, I've been advise to focus my attention on myself - to be wonderfully selfish.  So I have started this:

Obviously there aren't 500 days of Summer.  I don't even know if 500 days will fit into the scrapbook, but I am going to write my positive experiences in this scrapbook every day.  I'm going to get out my Acting books and study for the course in September.  I'm going to have a massive clear out of my things in my study and my bedroom.  And I'm going to finish writing a story.

Marie  xx