Big Girls Don't Cry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agrXgrAgQ0U

But we do.  We do a lot.  I spend a lot of my time crying because I just don't understand how humans work.  I don't understand change.  I don't understand cruelty.  I don't understand happiness.  As an Actor you spend a lot of time observing people, and that's how I feel - someone who is always there in the shadows looking, but still not quite sure how to play the game.

I don't get how you changed so suddenly.  It's like the guy I fell for is trying to fling himself off of a cliff to become someone else.  Someone 'tougher'.  I miss the old guy.  I still see glimpses of him.  But then I see this newer tougher guy who looks at me like I was just a horrible mistake and that absolutely kills me.

I'm a big girl, but I can't stop crying.  Which is just stupid.  And I feel completely over dramatic and silly, but I can't help how I feel.  I can't help it that I was encouraged to open Pandora's box.  I said that it would be hard for me to close it again, but I was assured time and time again that I wouldn't have to.

Is that how you win the game?

Update - It's five to ten and I'm still crying.  I just want to go to bed and wake up to find that this has all been a terrible dream.  I can't bear hearing all these people telling me that everything was just a lie.  I hate hearing all those doubts in my head every second of every day, loathing myself constantly and thinking of ways to punish myself that won't get me into trouble.

Where have you gone?