Forgiveness

Despite describing myself as a Catholic, I have a serious problem with forgiving people.  One of the things I'm best at it holding grudges against other people.  For years, I've feasted on this bitterness, knowing that it's unhealthy, knowing that it's damaging me, but for some reason refusing to let go.

I definitely get my stubbornness from my parents - more from my father.  Although we're a Keep Calm and Carry On family and would rush to help someone no matter what they'd done to us - forgiveness is an entirely different thing.

I suppose it's because you feel so much hurt from where they've hurt you and this is your revenge.  But not forgiving them doesn't really hurt them as much as you would like it to.  It just hurts yourself.

I turned 20 on Sunday, which I was dreading but so far I'm doing ok, and even though I wasn't expecting anything - to have no acknowledgement of it from my Dad's side of the family still feels like the biggest kick in the ribs.  It doesn't matter how many times I tell people that they all died the day of my Granddad's funeral, it still really hurts.

But I've got to forgive them.  I've got to move on.

I'm not saying forgiveness will come like a flick of a magic wand, but I'm ready to take off my armour and start giving it a go.