Today

Yesterday I wrote a blog post entitled Happiness.  Obviously designed for me to get happy.  Well, it worked.  For about 24 hours.

I've just got back from seeing The Fault in Our Stars.  I thought it would make me feel all emotional and make me cherish life.  It didn't.  I'd say it's done the opposite because that's how I'm feeling now - but something else did that, the film just didn't help.

So now I feel absolutely disgusted and angry with myself because I've been looking at these teenagers on screen thinking, 'give me your cancer.'  I mean, I'm sick enough as it is.  These people go through so much trauma and yet still remain happy and positive and do something with their lives.  No matter how hard I try, I just can't do that.  So make me sick.  And make me die.

I feel like a dirty used tainted whore.   And that's on the good days.   Now I am so mad at myself I'm doing all that I can to stop myself from banging my head against the wall or scratching.  Every time I start to think of that this little face and voice pops into my head reminding me that I made a promise.  Fuck you.  I think.  You broke promises too.  But I can't break mine.  I care too much.

So anyway, while there are actual problems out there in life - there's me whinging because my brain chemicals don't work properly and I'm suffering a little heartbreak.  It's sickening.  I shouldn't be as miserable as I am.  I shouldn't be thinking about love.  I should be laughing and picking myself up again like any normal person would do.

This is why people like me need to be gotten rid of.  We're a sickness.  We're a cancer itself of negative energy that needs to be wiped out.  We can't be loved.  So stop pretending or trying.  Just eliminate us.  You'll all be so much happier - and we'll be happier too because we don't have to worry any more about the effects we have on you guys.

Anyway I don't know if there's anything else left to say.  I love you.  And this is killing me.