Weight Loss

When I was a kid I was scrawny.  Seriously.  That with my very pale skin always made people ask if I was ill.  It was charming.  In Year 7 when us girls first started to notice our weight and call each other fat as insults, I bit the bullet and decided to stop eating.  Unfortunately, my Headteacher's secretary notice and called my Mum.  It meant that for a while in Year 7, this secretary would come into the canteen to make sure that I was eating.   Eventually it managed to stop and I blew up like a balloon.

I've definitely never gone into the obese section.  My waist has never been bigger than 28.  I'm just hit with the Kemp genetics and given an hourglass figure that just looks hideously bulky.  For years I've despaired of my hips - I still do, fretted about getting a double chin, been terrified of the ideas of thunder thighs and muffin tops and then around my birthday in June, I got sick.

On occasion, my body likes to put me through excruciating pain for no apparent reason.  My hyper mobility has been proposed as one suggestion - side effects of depression another.  Anyway, my appetite pretty much disappeared that day and I haven't seen it since!!

So I am now anti-carbs and pro-salad all the way and feeling so much happier for it.  I love the fact that my hipbones stick out more now.  I feel confident enough to wear the crop top I got for my birthday.  I adore it when people notice that weight has slid off.

At the end of the day, whenever I think about chocolate or other naughty things - I just ask what I'd rather have.  That chocolate or:

A) A good female role in a play/film/tv show etc.
B) A guy
C) A thigh gap

So this was me a couple of days ago (please ignore the face and hair).  No need to fret, that is not the crop top I got for my birthday - that is a top that I used to wear all the time when I was eight.  To be honest I'm astounded that the sleeves are still long enough!!

I've now got myself a bikini top (it was the sale and couldn't find the bottoms - must buy later) and planning on giving it an airing on holiday.

I'm determined to get skinny.

And very excited for the change.

Mermaid Lagoon

Armed with a new swimming costume (£30+ off thank you very much), my goggles and my Ariel towel I went to Tenterden swimming pool today.

I should explain.  While I enjoy being at the pool on holiday, I actually am scared of swimming.  Ironically the reason is because I'm scared of sharks and instead of this motivating me to become a better swimming, has made my swimming skills move right down to an awkward doggy paddle.

But today I faced my fear and swam underwater for the first time in about a decade.  And no sharks came to get me!!

It was also therapy day today which was majorly helpful.  We talked about my frustration of my feeling stuck and came to the conclusion that it is because I still haven't been given a resolution.  Also my frustration that in this game I hold absolutely no cards and cannot do anything to fight for what I want - nothing is on my terms or time.

She asked me to say what I would say to someone else in my situation.  I answered honestly that I would probably shake them and tell them to grow up and stop Ophelia-ing, then go to the person causing the hurt and do my best to beat them to a pulp.  She asked why I couldn't follow this advice myself.  Why I'm continuing to be patient even though it's really painful, holding out even though it's making me feel worthless and deliberately trying to put myself in danger.  My answer was that I'd seen the more complex side of the story and couldn't look at things in such a black and white way.  I'd spend about five minutes focusing on the negatives and being angry and cross, but then remember the good things and be happy and wistful again.  I'd think of all the things that annoyed me about this individual, and then I'd remember the positives.  I'd try and imagine them unhappy (ala Lily Allen's 'Smile') but that would just make me sad as well and want to be there to support them.

So in the meantime while I feel stuck in the mud and am unable to clamber out of it myself, I've been advise to focus my attention on myself - to be wonderfully selfish.  So I have started this:

Obviously there aren't 500 days of Summer.  I don't even know if 500 days will fit into the scrapbook, but I am going to write my positive experiences in this scrapbook every day.  I'm going to get out my Acting books and study for the course in September.  I'm going to have a massive clear out of my things in my study and my bedroom.  And I'm going to finish writing a story.

Marie  xx

Big Girls Don't Cry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agrXgrAgQ0U

But we do.  We do a lot.  I spend a lot of my time crying because I just don't understand how humans work.  I don't understand change.  I don't understand cruelty.  I don't understand happiness.  As an Actor you spend a lot of time observing people, and that's how I feel - someone who is always there in the shadows looking, but still not quite sure how to play the game.

I don't get how you changed so suddenly.  It's like the guy I fell for is trying to fling himself off of a cliff to become someone else.  Someone 'tougher'.  I miss the old guy.  I still see glimpses of him.  But then I see this newer tougher guy who looks at me like I was just a horrible mistake and that absolutely kills me.

I'm a big girl, but I can't stop crying.  Which is just stupid.  And I feel completely over dramatic and silly, but I can't help how I feel.  I can't help it that I was encouraged to open Pandora's box.  I said that it would be hard for me to close it again, but I was assured time and time again that I wouldn't have to.

Is that how you win the game?

Update - It's five to ten and I'm still crying.  I just want to go to bed and wake up to find that this has all been a terrible dream.  I can't bear hearing all these people telling me that everything was just a lie.  I hate hearing all those doubts in my head every second of every day, loathing myself constantly and thinking of ways to punish myself that won't get me into trouble.

Where have you gone?

Lead us not into temptation

Because I've been so down recently, I really need an adrenaline rush.  I want to go out and misbehave and get myself into trouble.  I want to make mistakes, but laugh at them at the same time.  

I wasn't ever a rebellious teenager.  My Dad would argue otherwise - his impression of me as a teenager is constantly going 'whaeva'.  Honestly, I really don't recall ever doing that and Mum doesn't seem to either.  Anyway, so I do occasionally feel miffed that I've missed out on these experiences.

So this Summer I've decided to 'fuck it all' and just live for the moment.  I don't know how long my decision will last about that, but still.  I leave you with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_yts

Never Neverland

Hmm....How to describe my emotions.

I've not been drowning, but I've been battling some pretty big waves.  Now, however, I've been pulled up and plopped onto a small island.  It's not Neverland, but it's not Panem either so I'm satisfied.  It's a kind of solitary little place, but also a bit hopeful and looking forward to brighter times ahead.

But I will be heading back to Neverland soon.  

When?

I have no idea.

But I will be going back there.

Playtime

I turned my collection of thoughts into a play.  Think it worked out quite well.  Well, I hope it did.

Absolutely dreading going into work today but needs must needs must.  I've just thinking of it as ooh I get to earn some money today doing one of the easiest jobs in the world and that money will really help me out for my course in September.

I'm currently trying to focus all my energy on that, you see.  It started with me watching Legally Blonde the musical online and listening to the soundtrack half a dozen times.  When I need to feel motivated, I get 'Chip on my shoulder' playing and organise my study so I can be ready to take my notes and do work!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niZta1nWUew

IT GIVES ME ENERGY!!

So, yeah.  I'm scared to go into work today.  Terrified.  Not of other people.  Of me.  Of doing something wrong.  I'm really very good at doing that.  But if I break something I can fix it.  If I upset someone, I can apologise.  If something goes wrong that I have no control over,  I can do my very best not to freak out.

Wish me luck.

xx

Writing is so theraputic

For instance, whenever I have a stupid amount of feelings about someone I write them all down.  Some, I bin (******).  Some, I rip up (////).  Some, I consider sending but never do (Name and Shame, lorraine), and they just stay staring at me on my window sill until I shove it in a drawer and come across it in a couple of months and move it onto my desk and it goes through the whole cycle again.

Well, this one isn't so much a letter as a general  - whenever I think of saying it to you - I write it down.  And it's so bloody perfect as well because I can say anything.  When you're face to face with stuff you are kind of obliged by society to turn down your passions.  With this - you can say ANYTHING.

So, yeah, I really enjoyed doing that.  And it's colour coded and pretty too.  I don't know what I'll do with it though.  It might be binned.  Might be ripped up.  Might sit in my bag waiting to be given to you (like the last letter).  Might be given to you in a fit of rage.  Might be given to you slightly apologetically.  I have no idea.  I don't know what the future holds, and I have to learn that I can't control everything.  Even though I wish I could.

Another day

Ok, so I've calmed down now.

A bit.

Had an absolutely lovely dream, I don't know if it will ever come true but it cheered me up so that's what I'm focusing on.  I'm also focusing on the fact that I got out of bed myself this morning.  I had a shower and washed my hair.  I did my make up.  I put on nice(r) clothes and did my hair.  I've also got on my lucky Boleyn necklace.

Anne Boleyn has inspired me since I was eight years old.  She had so many people calling her a whore even though they'd never met her and didn't know the full story and she responded by changing her motto to, 'Let them grumble, this is how it is going to be.'  -  Basically, she didn't care.

But her confidence makes us forget what a kind charitable person she was.  The Abbeys and Monasteries that Henry turned into homes for his friends, Anne wanted turned into hospitals and schools.

Whenever I doubt myself and my courage, I just think, 'What would Anne do?'  Anne would hold her head up high, smile confidently and do what she had to do.




Today is going to be a no social media day for me today (this doesn't count).  Instead I'm going to fully absorb myself into my writing.  I'm even going to try and avoid my phone - though it will be switched on just in case.

So fingers crossed to a better day.

Marie.

Today

Yesterday I wrote a blog post entitled Happiness.  Obviously designed for me to get happy.  Well, it worked.  For about 24 hours.

I've just got back from seeing The Fault in Our Stars.  I thought it would make me feel all emotional and make me cherish life.  It didn't.  I'd say it's done the opposite because that's how I'm feeling now - but something else did that, the film just didn't help.

So now I feel absolutely disgusted and angry with myself because I've been looking at these teenagers on screen thinking, 'give me your cancer.'  I mean, I'm sick enough as it is.  These people go through so much trauma and yet still remain happy and positive and do something with their lives.  No matter how hard I try, I just can't do that.  So make me sick.  And make me die.

I feel like a dirty used tainted whore.   And that's on the good days.   Now I am so mad at myself I'm doing all that I can to stop myself from banging my head against the wall or scratching.  Every time I start to think of that this little face and voice pops into my head reminding me that I made a promise.  Fuck you.  I think.  You broke promises too.  But I can't break mine.  I care too much.

So anyway, while there are actual problems out there in life - there's me whinging because my brain chemicals don't work properly and I'm suffering a little heartbreak.  It's sickening.  I shouldn't be as miserable as I am.  I shouldn't be thinking about love.  I should be laughing and picking myself up again like any normal person would do.

This is why people like me need to be gotten rid of.  We're a sickness.  We're a cancer itself of negative energy that needs to be wiped out.  We can't be loved.  So stop pretending or trying.  Just eliminate us.  You'll all be so much happier - and we'll be happier too because we don't have to worry any more about the effects we have on you guys.

Anyway I don't know if there's anything else left to say.  I love you.  And this is killing me.

Dear Peter

When Peter didn't come back the following summer, here's what I think Wendy wrote to him.

I want to punch you in the face.
I want to kick you.
I want to scratch your eyes out so you never look at me that way again.
I want to knee you in the balls.
I want to slap you.
I want to kiss you.
I want to hold your hand.
I want to stroke your hair and tell you everything is going to be alright.
I want to make you laugh.
I want to laugh at you.
I want to scream at you.
I want to swear at you.
I want to slip my arms round your waist.
I want to hear you talk to me.
I want to argue with you.
I want to kick you in the kneecaps.
I want to go on long adventures and get lost with you.
I want to have sex on the beach and whinge when sand gets in my hair.
I want to giggle with you.
I want to roll my eyes at you.
I want to play with your hair.
I want to have you stroke my hair.
I want to pull your hair.
I want to bite you.
I want to hold you.
I want to fly away with you.

I want to stop crying over you.  I want to think about how strong and independent I am.  I want to ignore the tightness in my chest.  I want to think about other things.  I want to be able to enjoy other things.  I want to enjoy those things with you.  I want you to give me a break.  I want you to be more understanding.  I want so many things but I don't know which path I'm going down and I don't know if I have any choice about that.

Happiness

So since my holiday in York, I've been getting panic attacks again.  The last one I had was a few months ago and the ones before that were years ago so I'm trying to remember what the best thing to do in these situations is.

Mainly, I've decided to de-stress and focus on the positives.  I've looked through loads of photos and have put together the ones that make me happy.