Hey you

This is how I feel today.  And how I felt yesterday.  And the day before that.  And the day before that and so on.  There's also a load of other emotions in there as well - so I just generalised the basic ones.  

I feel like I'm going insane.  I can feel myself ready to explode but I don't have the opportunity to.  I am so unhappy and everything else because I can't say to the one person who should be listening to what is going on in my head.  

So, I'll say it on here.  It's hard for me too.  

In this game you hold all of the cards.  Everything is on your terms.  I know it's difficult.  You've said how conflicted you are, but please I need something - anything to make me feel somewhat normal again.  I'm not saying here's a time limit or give me the answers but a general gist would be so helpful.  You did, a few nights ago - but since then I got those texts and so I'm confused and deserve a better explanation than what you gave me.  

I'm sick of trying to get angry at you.  Angry like I think you want me to be with you.  But I don't want to hate you.  I don't want to look back and regret everything.  I want to be able to look back and smile.  You know that I'd still give things a go with you again.  You know that I'd be your friend and support you.  But this cutting me out is horrible and cruel.  It's also very annoying seeing as I have a work-related issue I need your advice on but I have no means of contacting you!!

I'm tired of crying every single day over this.  It's been well over a month, things are supposed to get easier.  But I did warn you when we first got together that I struggle with my emotions - I struggle understanding them and controlling them.  You encouraged me to unleash them and now I'm terrified.  

I've been good to you.  I never put any pressure on you to do anything.  I never voiced a complaint when you had to leave me/abandon plans.  I spent ages looking through housing accommodation and jobs for you.  I covered your shifts so you could go on that holiday even though everyone looked at me like I was mental.  Even now after all this time and all this hurt, I still care for you and am still thinking of how to put your happiness above my own.  

Nevertheless I've been trying to be selfish and put my own needs first.  Stupidly that just makes me feel even worse.  

Please, we need to talk.  I'm not saying that we're going to resolve anything or come to a conclusion.  I'm not going to beg for you to come back.  I just want to sit and listen to you so I can understand what you are truthfully thinking.  

I just miss you.  And I won't apologise for that any more.