If you cannot teach me to fly, teach me to sing

This sounds crazy, but for a couple of months now I've been unable to sing.  

Seriously, I just haven't been able to do it.  No singing in the shower, no singing to myself, no singing to Katie - absolutely nothing.  It appeared that my songbird had upped and left.  

Which obviously made me very depressed, those who know me will remember that I absolutely love singing.  Music is one of my ways of escaping.  So being stuck in a tricky place and no music to get me out of it really sucked.  

I still listened to music.  I played guitar to try and persuade the song bird to come back, but it all seemed to no avail.  Quite simply, I was too sad to sing.  

Luckily, my singing teacher Auntie V knew precisely what to do.  She got me into the warm up (my vocal chords creaking from so long of not being used) and before I knew it had me belting out 'So much better' from Legally Blonde - and it is safe to say that I did feel so much better for it!

Although I love singing, I detest the sound of my own voice.  But yesterday I started to feel more confident.  It was the kick up the arse that I needed to remind me that I'm going to be doing this for a career.  My songbird hadn't actually gone away, it had just been moping.

Since then I've still found it a little hard.  It doesn't come as naturally to me any more.  I don't know when I'll be able to start singing in the shower again without really thinking about it.  But I hope that it's soon.

Things do still hurt.  Every day is a massive push.  Finding the determination to get out of bed is exhausting but I need to do it.  When I'm out of bed I do try and do the right thing - positive thinking, looking towards the future, smiling at today - but a bigger part of me is the misfit broken toy.  

The misfit broken toy isn't interested in getting fixed.  It sneers at the normality of others.  It pushes forward danger just to get the adrenaline rush so you feel like you are actually alive again.  It gets you into trouble because you're a broken toy and that's what your fate is.  Misfit broken toys hurt themselves again and again.  People can gather round and beg the misfit toys not to hurt themselves, but despite all the promises - the misfit will always find a new way to do it.

I'm going on holiday tomorrow.  And I really hope to leave the misfit broken toy behind me.