Tuesday, 5 August 2014

To live would be an awfully big adventure







I have felt suicidal for a very long time.  Strangely enough though, it manifests itself in different forms.  Wanting to end life because it's bad, wanting to end life because I'm a bad person, wanting to end life because I wanted to know what it felt like, and even on the odd occasion wanting to end life to hurt someone else.  I know.  That's disgusting.  But at least I can tell the truth - warts and all.  

Anyway, so I was at work and on top of the miserable cake and the conflicting icing and the angry cherry - a load of low-worth sprinkles were piled on top.  When I eventually got my break, I headed over this bridge to Sainsbury's only to find it closed.  The fact that I couldn't purchase dry shampoo at that moment in time honestly felt like a kick in the face.  I could feel myself drifting out of my body - the more rational Marie was screaming to be heard but still getting quieter while the other voices in my head were reminding me just how bad things are now.  It didn't take long for rational Marie to disappear and faerie Marie take over.  
So I found myself looking out at the cars on the bridge and decided that I wanted to fly.  Whenever I'm by roads or bridges or railway tracks - anything dangerous, I have to keep my mind pre-occupied otherwise I do get these intrusive thoughts.  Faerie Marie was whispering to me, telling me to get prepared and do it now, not my usual trick of setting myself a time limit (i.e. - I'll do it once the show has finished).  

But then realistic Marie came back with a cry of a warrior queen and chased away faerie Marie.  She reminded me that my chapter has ended.  Not my story.

So that's how I'm looking at life now.  My memories are neatly sorted into little chapters - some I only skim read, others I look back fondly on, but I'm still writing my story.

So even though there is still a part of me that wants to do this:


I'll continue to keep up my strength not to.  

I did make a boo boo however with this photo though.  I went from a -10 in mood to 100 in a very short space of time and persuaded myself that it was a good idea to share with everyone on Facebook.  It was honestly meant to be a very positive message: 'Tempted. But didn't. Onwards and upwards. My story's not finished yet. It's just a new chapter beginning. Very excited.'

Unfortunately, there were a small percentage of people who didn't see it that way.  Some got worried (understandably), some got offended and some others became cruel.  To the ones who worried - I can only apologise - you know what I'm like with the whole thinking things through thing - it doesn't come easily - but I am so grateful for the support that you have given me.  To the ones I offended - I honestly didn't mean to, it was a very personal post not directed at anyone or any issue in particular.  I will apologise if you took it the wrong way, but I will not apologise for saying it.  And finally to the ones who have been cruel, I have a brilliant message to share with you....



....I literally couldn't care less about what you think.  I mean it.  It's an actual struggle for me.  I spent years caring and worrying about other peoples opinions - but warrior queen Marie has hit me over the head and made me realise that the ones I worried the most about were the ones I should care least about.  I threw my head back and laughed in therapy today when I thought about how much I dislike you.



I do still care about people's opinions.  But they are the opinions of my family, my friends, professionals in the field of whatever I need an opinion about.  I am not interested in the opinions of people who will have a negative opinion of me no matter what I do - be it go on a massacre or save the human race from hunger or even just living daily life exactly like everybody else.  Because at the end of the day, I scare you.  Sure, I've spent a good few years being scared and shy - but you've always seen a glimpse of this warrior, sometimes you've been tackled by her.  So that's why you squished me down, so that the warrior couldn't interrupt your perfect little plans any longer - It didn't work out for you.  


My course starts in September and I am so excited.  I am going to spend this Summer earning money, studying hard, going on holiday, reconnecting with people who can give me the same affection I give them back.  Then I'm going to throw myself head first into this big wide adult world.  Because yeah, it is a scary adult world - but I can still be a child in it.  



xx

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