Something has changed within me

Confession.  I used to think that Defying Gravity was seriously overrated.  Nearly everyone claims it's their favourite song from the Musical - ignoring classics such as No Good Deed and No one mourns the Wicked which have always evoked so much more emotion from me.  

However, today I got that song stuck in my head and I fell in love with it.  It beautifully summed up exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Defying Gravity is honestly a bit of a 'Fuck you, I'm great', and that's a message I've never really thought of until now.   

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.

This song has been added to my Anthems list.  It's pushing me forwards.  It's pushing me upwards and it's making me look down at the ground of all the people I've left behind, smile and wave.  This week is the Interval.  Next week is Act 2.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g4ekwTd6Ig

Growing Up

So I've returned from the sunny beaches of Kefalonia to the greying Ashford.  As expected, I am very cheerful about this....
I don't know what it is, but I am really struggling with being here.  I need to escape.  Just got to wait a week before I can do that.

Anyway, while I was sunning away, I feel that I changed a lot as a person.  I've learnt so much more just by having the time to laze around and think.  For example:

1) I do not need to spend my time worrying about what other people think about me.

2) Anyone who has a negative opinion of me doesn't need to be convinced otherwise, they just need to be cut off.
3) There is only one me
4) I'm not fifteen anymore.
5) Some people have treated me badly, and it's not always because I've done something to deserve it.
6) I've put myself in your shoes.
7) Olives are still grapes injected with pure evil.

Onwards and upwards

If you cannot teach me to fly, teach me to sing

This sounds crazy, but for a couple of months now I've been unable to sing.  

Seriously, I just haven't been able to do it.  No singing in the shower, no singing to myself, no singing to Katie - absolutely nothing.  It appeared that my songbird had upped and left.  

Which obviously made me very depressed, those who know me will remember that I absolutely love singing.  Music is one of my ways of escaping.  So being stuck in a tricky place and no music to get me out of it really sucked.  

I still listened to music.  I played guitar to try and persuade the song bird to come back, but it all seemed to no avail.  Quite simply, I was too sad to sing.  

Luckily, my singing teacher Auntie V knew precisely what to do.  She got me into the warm up (my vocal chords creaking from so long of not being used) and before I knew it had me belting out 'So much better' from Legally Blonde - and it is safe to say that I did feel so much better for it!

Although I love singing, I detest the sound of my own voice.  But yesterday I started to feel more confident.  It was the kick up the arse that I needed to remind me that I'm going to be doing this for a career.  My songbird hadn't actually gone away, it had just been moping.

Since then I've still found it a little hard.  It doesn't come as naturally to me any more.  I don't know when I'll be able to start singing in the shower again without really thinking about it.  But I hope that it's soon.

Things do still hurt.  Every day is a massive push.  Finding the determination to get out of bed is exhausting but I need to do it.  When I'm out of bed I do try and do the right thing - positive thinking, looking towards the future, smiling at today - but a bigger part of me is the misfit broken toy.  

The misfit broken toy isn't interested in getting fixed.  It sneers at the normality of others.  It pushes forward danger just to get the adrenaline rush so you feel like you are actually alive again.  It gets you into trouble because you're a broken toy and that's what your fate is.  Misfit broken toys hurt themselves again and again.  People can gather round and beg the misfit toys not to hurt themselves, but despite all the promises - the misfit will always find a new way to do it.

I'm going on holiday tomorrow.  And I really hope to leave the misfit broken toy behind me.

Captain, my Captain

 The boy who never grew up.  The casting of Robin Williams as the adult Peter Pan in Spielberg's 'Hook' was a genius move on their part.  Robin Williams was always more interested in being himself than trying to conform to societies expectations of a grown up and that is exactly how he managed to remain so beautifully childlike.

When I learnt today that Robin Williams had died - it's safe to say that I was numb with shock.  Although I am not particularly interested in being a comic actress, Robin Williams has always inspired me as a performer.

At work we played a Disney soundtrack for the M4J mornings.  On that CD was 'Prince Ali'.  That song would immediately spring tears to my eyes.  No, I don't have a traumatic past experience with that song.  I used to cry because he was just so passionate.  I could practically see him standing in that recording studio belting away, absolutely in love with what he was doing.

But, as most of us do, he had his own demons to battle.  Williams had bipolar disorder and was in one of his severe depressive episodes when he took his own life.

I have seen many comments from people asking why would such a successful man find himself being so unhappy?  But that's what the illness does to you.  J.K Rowling personified depression with the use of dementors - beings that follow you around and take away your happiness.  It's not something that someone asks for, nor is it something that someone can snap out of.

The demons in mental illness succeeded in taking away one of our best.  But that doesn't mean it will continue to.  If this great man inspired you as much as you say, then let his memory inspire you to seek help if you need it.  Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself stuck in a dark place.  You can have everything in the world and still feel empty - thinking about how fortunate you are compared to others isn't going to help - but seeking the right attention will.

I also hope more people will realise how big a thing mental illness is and how we all need to wake up and smell the roses.  It's not something that can be ignored or put away.  We need to stare that black dog in the face and snarl.

I will miss Robin's passion, his talent, his spontaneity and his kindness.

Rest in peace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhhLcszC-P4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Erf2iFHG44M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qM-gZintWDc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6y2Y9i5Sj0

Trust

I have a serious problem trusting people.  I'd like to say that I've gotten better over the years - but it's gotten worse.  I'd say that out of everyone I know I only trust four people - and even then I doubt them sometimes.

Anyway, what makes it continuously harder for me to trust people - is when there are (drum roll please) rumours.

Despite getting really annoyed at my Dad whenever he calls me gullible, when it comes to these kind of situations I really am.  If someone puts a seed of doubt into my head about how much I can trust someone else - it festers away at my mind.

So here is (in a gist) what has happened:
1) 3 is going to spread a rumour about me and 4
2) Sorry, what?  Why?
1) To upset you.  Given your history with 4.  They think that it will be funny.  Don't let them win.  They make up stuff about you to make you unhappy.  Show that it doesn't effect you.

2) I've been told that you were going to spread a rumour to upset me.  What's your side of the story?
3) I would never do that.  I was defending you.  I've been really good to you.  I'm now not speaking to you.  

 Obviously, that wording is a generalisation - not to be taken as fact - but that is the general gist of things.

I feel incredibly frustrated.  I've been trying really hard to move on and focus and be positive and then things like this leap back into life and throw me all off balance.

Ultimately, I have a request.  Please, stop talking about me and my business behind my back.  Yes, you might be trying to do the right thing - but it still hurts.  My business is my own to deal with.  Occasionally I will want help, but when I do I will say.  I'm trying desperately hard to lay things to rest but it's just not happening because all people want to do is bring it all up again.
I don't know who to believe any more.  And fair enough, that is quite insulting - but I'm not deliberately trying to mistrust someone.  I'm just stuck in a little whirlpool which I had no intention of getting in to.  

Sharp claws

I don't particularly like cats.

They're terrifying.  One minute they're all like purr purr purr I love you and the next they are hissing and scratching you just for doing something like breathing.  Cats are utterly unpredictable and judgemental.  Dogs do also judge you and have random acts of spontaneity - but ultimately you're on a more even footing with a dog.

There's always that stereotype that dogs are boys and cats are girls.  As a dog owner to a lovely female dog, I always denied this - but as of today I have finally come to agree.

You find a mouse in your house.  Deep down you want to get a hamster cage and adopt it - but you know that's ultimately not the most sensible thing to do - so you take it outside.  A couple of hours later when you're otherwise occupied, your cat comes in with the remains of this little mouse in its mouth with the triumphant 'Look what I did' expression.  Apparently cat owners have to praise them for doing this rather than shrieking how disgusting it is.  When the cat stops playing with it, you take the remains of your former furry companion outside again with a prayer for it to rest in peace.

But a few hours later the cat brings it back in.  It lays the remains at your feet so you are forced to acknowledge it - even though you don't want to.

Annoyingly, this can continue for a really long time - to the point where all you see is the skull of this little mouse and you can scarcely remember how cute it was in life.

So the point of this blog?  Dog owners spend their time teaching dogs to pick something up and then going 'Drop, drop. DROP,' in varying degrees of threat.  It's a skill we should be teaching cats.  To stop dragging things back into your life in various stages of unpleasantness.

Cast List:

Cat Owner - Me
Mouse - A relationship I had that I'd like to tuck away and only look back on occasionally with fondness.
Cats - Girls

So I'm nailing the cat flap shut.  I'm not against all cats.  Some are genuinely lovely and I want them in my life - but I'm going to need cats to stop being so two faced.  Particularly now.

A letter

Well, it was an email - but that doesn't have the same sort of ring to it does it?  Anyway, I got the most beautiful message today and I simply had to put it on here.  The kindness of this individual is so overwhelming and genuinely has restored my faith in humanity somewhat - not because of the nice things she says about me, but because she takes the time to actually say them even though we've not really been in touch for years.

Hey Marie, I hope that you're okay. I know that we never really talk (which is a huge shame!) but you should also know that you're one of very few people who I've bothered to stay in touch with in any form since primary school or sixth form because I genuinely think that you're one of the best people I know. I've only ever thought great things about you (though I may have said a mean word or two when you got the role of Alice over me when we were 10...but I'd like to hope that, that's water under the bridge now?) You're pretty, you're kind and you're easily one of the brightest people I've ever met. I've always honestly thought that you're destined for something great (and I must admit that I have been a bit jealous at times). I just wanted to let you know because sometimes we touch people in our lives and have people care about us without even realising. You're one of very few people to ever give me a chance as a person and get to know me, to see past the fact that I was perhaps a bit weird or abrasive. I'll always be thankful to you for being a good enough person to do what so many other people could never be bothered to do. You made a huge difference without even realising, even down to the times that we chatted in the library during supervised study. I think that you're really great and there are increasingly few people about whom I can say that.

I and many others who I know have always thought that you're genuinely wonderful so please believe that about yourself too. xx



So yeah, I did cry.  But it was happy tears.  I've not credited her because I don't know if she'd feel embarrassed if I did so for now it's anonymous!!

Thank you so much.  You've made me feel braver today.  xx

We were only trying to drown her

Girls who pretend they're not bitches, are the biggest ones of them all.

I just came out with that little piece of wisdom all by myself.  Seriously though, it's true.  We all know the kind - supposedly butter wouldn't melt but actually her tongue is hotter than the even the most fiery pit of hell.  

"See, at least me and Regina know we're mean!  You try to act so innocent like, 'Oh, I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies and the little monkeys!' "

I will never admit to being an angel.  I've done things that I'm not proud of - things that I'm really very sorry for but I want to live by these rules:

1) Never say anything about anyone behind their back that you wouldn't say to their face.  -  I mean, you don't actually have to say it to their face but always think that you're talking to that person if you're talking about them.  
2) Don't insult people based on their appearance.  -  They can't change it.  What's the point in criticising her big nose?  It might make you feel better for about five minutes, but an insult about your appearance can stay with you for years.  
3) Don't be two faced.  -  This one is obvious.  Two faced people may think they have more friends, but they end up with far less in the long run.  Think of someone you know who is two faced - do you value their friendship?  If you do, it's probably because you're just like them.  
4) Cut the people out who drain you - To live means living it to the full.  You can't do that with people who are constantly squashing you down.  Sure, you might miss them for a bit - but it will be the same way a druggie misses heroin.  It's better for you in the long run that you stay clean.  
5) Give more compliments - Be honest.  When we get ready to go out we spend a long time and effort trying to look nice, but no one really ever comments on it.  I don't know if it's envy or us genuinely not noticing, but the next time you see your friend tell her how gorgeous she is.  Or when she says something clever or kind, tell her so.  
6) Look after those who are more vulnerable than you.  -  It's all very well seeing someone with depression make a cry for attention - but calling them attention-seekers is disgusting.  When you see someone who is homeless, it is tempting to think that they put themselves in that situation - but it's a disgusting thing to do.  We are all equal and we all go through our ups and downs, and it's our job to be there for each other.  


So, my day started off pretty horribly today.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  But I did.  Sure, I haven't got to the stage where I have styled my hair or done my make-up yet, but I'm going to work later so that will give me a boost....

My hair and make up is done.  I've decided to play the role of Puck today.  I'm not sure what inspired me to do write this post - but I felt inspired so that's something!!

To live would be an awfully big adventure

I have felt suicidal for a very long time.  Strangely enough though, it manifests itself in different forms.  Wanting to end life because it's bad, wanting to end life because I'm a bad person, wanting to end life because I wanted to know what it felt like, and even on the odd occasion wanting to end life to hurt someone else.  I know.  That's disgusting.  But at least I can tell the truth - warts and all.  

Anyway, so I was at work and on top of the miserable cake and the conflicting icing and the angry cherry - a load of low-worth sprinkles were piled on top.  When I eventually got my break, I headed over this bridge to Sainsbury's only to find it closed.  The fact that I couldn't purchase dry shampoo at that moment in time honestly felt like a kick in the face.  I could feel myself drifting out of my body - the more rational Marie was screaming to be heard but still getting quieter while the other voices in my head were reminding me just how bad things are now.  It didn't take long for rational Marie to disappear and faerie Marie take over.  

So I found myself looking out at the cars on the bridge and decided that I wanted to fly.  Whenever I'm by roads or bridges or railway tracks - anything dangerous, I have to keep my mind pre-occupied otherwise I do get these intrusive thoughts.  Faerie Marie was whispering to me, telling me to get prepared and do it now, not my usual trick of setting myself a time limit (i.e. - I'll do it once the show has finished).  

But then realistic Marie came back with a cry of a warrior queen and chased away faerie Marie.  She reminded me that my chapter has ended.  Not my story.

So that's how I'm looking at life now.  My memories are neatly sorted into little chapters - some I only skim read, others I look back fondly on, but I'm still writing my story.

So even though there is still a part of me that wants to do this:

I'll continue to keep up my strength not to.  

I did make a boo boo however with this photo though.  I went from a -10 in mood to 100 in a very short space of time and persuaded myself that it was a good idea to share with everyone on Facebook.  It was honestly meant to be a very positive message: 'Tempted. But didn't. Onwards and upwards. My story's not finished yet. It's just a new chapter beginning. Very excited.'

Unfortunately, there were a small percentage of people who didn't see it that way.  Some got worried (understandably), some got offended and some others became cruel.  To the ones who worried - I can only apologise - you know what I'm like with the whole thinking things through thing - it doesn't come easily - but I am so grateful for the support that you have given me.  To the ones I offended - I honestly didn't mean to, it was a very personal post not directed at anyone or any issue in particular.  I will apologise if you took it the wrong way, but I will not apologise for saying it.  And finally to the ones who have been cruel, I have a brilliant message to share with you....

....I literally couldn't care less about what you think.  I mean it.  It's an actual struggle for me.  I spent years caring and worrying about other peoples opinions - but warrior queen Marie has hit me over the head and made me realise that the ones I worried the most about were the ones I should care least about.  I threw my head back and laughed in therapy today when I thought about how much I dislike you.

I do still care about people's opinions.  But they are the opinions of my family, my friends, professionals in the field of whatever I need an opinion about.  I am not interested in the opinions of people who will have a negative opinion of me no matter what I do - be it go on a massacre or save the human race from hunger or even just living daily life exactly like everybody else.  Because at the end of the day, I scare you.  Sure, I've spent a good few years being scared and shy - but you've always seen a glimpse of this warrior, sometimes you've been tackled by her.  So that's why you squished me down, so that the warrior couldn't interrupt your perfect little plans any longer - It didn't work out for you.  

My course starts in September and I am so excited.  I am going to spend this Summer earning money, studying hard, going on holiday, reconnecting with people who can give me the same affection I give them back.  Then I'm going to throw myself head first into this big wide adult world.  Because yeah, it is a scary adult world - but I can still be a child in it.  

xx

Hey you

This is how I feel today.  And how I felt yesterday.  And the day before that.  And the day before that and so on.  There's also a load of other emotions in there as well - so I just generalised the basic ones.  

I feel like I'm going insane.  I can feel myself ready to explode but I don't have the opportunity to.  I am so unhappy and everything else because I can't say to the one person who should be listening to what is going on in my head.  

So, I'll say it on here.  It's hard for me too.  

In this game you hold all of the cards.  Everything is on your terms.  I know it's difficult.  You've said how conflicted you are, but please I need something - anything to make me feel somewhat normal again.  I'm not saying here's a time limit or give me the answers but a general gist would be so helpful.  You did, a few nights ago - but since then I got those texts and so I'm confused and deserve a better explanation than what you gave me.  

I'm sick of trying to get angry at you.  Angry like I think you want me to be with you.  But I don't want to hate you.  I don't want to look back and regret everything.  I want to be able to look back and smile.  You know that I'd still give things a go with you again.  You know that I'd be your friend and support you.  But this cutting me out is horrible and cruel.  It's also very annoying seeing as I have a work-related issue I need your advice on but I have no means of contacting you!!

I'm tired of crying every single day over this.  It's been well over a month, things are supposed to get easier.  But I did warn you when we first got together that I struggle with my emotions - I struggle understanding them and controlling them.  You encouraged me to unleash them and now I'm terrified.  

I've been good to you.  I never put any pressure on you to do anything.  I never voiced a complaint when you had to leave me/abandon plans.  I spent ages looking through housing accommodation and jobs for you.  I covered your shifts so you could go on that holiday even though everyone looked at me like I was mental.  Even now after all this time and all this hurt, I still care for you and am still thinking of how to put your happiness above my own.  

Nevertheless I've been trying to be selfish and put my own needs first.  Stupidly that just makes me feel even worse.  

Please, we need to talk.  I'm not saying that we're going to resolve anything or come to a conclusion.  I'm not going to beg for you to come back.  I just want to sit and listen to you so I can understand what you are truthfully thinking.  

I just miss you.  And I won't apologise for that any more.