One more disaster I can add to my generous supply.
Oh dear. I'm afraid to say you've caught me on a bit of a downer. Well, the word downer simplifies it too much, it's a tornado of very strong emotions. So I've decided to try and blog about it rather than let it fester away.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Do I think that I'm a bad person? Yes. I do. I think we have good and bad in all of us, but after years of trying to hold up the good, every know and again I come to the bitter conclusion that I should just give up and turn bad. Rather than thinking the things that I know are wrong, I do them. It gives me such an adrenaline rush. Obviously, I am still at the stage where I am able to think about killing someone without actually doing it - so that's a positive.
No act of charity goes unresented.
Think about it. Name a good person who is selfless, kind and spends their time trying to improve the live of others - and who is loved by all for doing it. You can't think of someone because deep down we all hate do gooders. Some hatred is more obvious than others. For example: the woman who spends half her time making sandwiches for the poor and the other half bragging about it. We can openly hate that woman under the guise of it being because of her bragging. But what about the woman who does the exact same thing but doesn't brag about it. Do we still like her? Honestly? I can imagine some people reading this acting horrified and going. 'yes! Of course we do!'
But you're lying.
Was I really seeking good? Or just seeking attention?
As I've mentioned before, 'attention-seeker' is a phrase that haunts me and I can promise that anyone who calls me one these days will get a punch in the face. I state this now so that you understand that if I do punch you in the face, don't bother trying to press charges because I did warn you beforehand. Anyway, I digress. At the end of the day, everything we do is for attention. It's programmed into our systems from birth. 'I'm hungry - cry'. 'I'm dirty - cry', 'I'm bored - cry'. and yet there is still a bitter resentment of people who do this - despite the fact that everyone does it. I really don't understand humans.
I meant well, but look at what well meant did.
I'm tired of being nice and well behaved to those who continuously kick me in the face. I'm tired of being gracious. I want to fight back. So that's what I've started to do. Sometimes this new attitude makes me really happy, other times it destroys me. My emotions go from one extreme to the other, which isn't healthy, but being wicked is addictive. It makes you feel like you're alive and other people can see you.
No good deed will I do again.
Will have this new ethos forever? Who knows. I change on quite a regular basis at the moment. In the space of half an hour today I had a panic attack and a fit of manic giggling all because I'm scared of strangers. To be frank, it's exhausting and I wish my mind would just calm down. I have too many characters in my head screaming to be heard. I used to be able to organise them, but they're now running riot. It's thanks to them that I'm so confused at the moment.
I hurt someone that I deeply care about some weeks ago. Someone who really hurt me. We've both apologised, but I cannot begin to describe the level of pain that I feel for having hurt them back. To hear that I'd ruined all chances with my actions devastates me. But those who do the crime serve the time. Even after everything I wish them all the happiness in the world - even if their happiness is at my expense.
Which is annoying seeing how often I rant about being a strong woman who only needs to worry about being happy and in control, and yet I feel more grown up with this person than I do when making a decision concerning just myself.
I feel more real.
Anyway, I have ballet tomorrow so I must get some sleep.
Despite being an un co-ordinated chubster, there's still a little girl in me who longs to be a ballerina.
Good night xx
No comments:
Post a Comment