Give Me Love

As my mood as been going up and down like a merry go round, I've decided to try and focus 80% of my energy on losing weight and the other 20% on trying new experiences.  So far I've been doing pretty well.

The best thing to do is to hurl myself out of bed every morning while I'm still not fully conscious.  If I lie there and think, I won't get out of bed.  I need to get up and ready as quick as I can, keeping my mind active on to the next task ahead.  The only problem with that is when you're about to go to sleep, all the thoughts you've been repressing during the day suddenly come up in your head wearing a smug little smile and shaking its head fondly.

So, new experiences.  Salsa - when I heard the word before lesson started I shuddered.  Dancing and me do not mix.  Sexy and me do not mix.  Sexy dancing and me is just a recipe for disaster.
But it was fine!  Sure, it took me a while to loosen up but when I'd put on my 'fuck it' hat things majorly improved.
Aerial Hoop - My Dad has always praised my core strength and balance.  When I did aerial hoop all of that disappeared.  How can something that looks so pretty and graceful be more tormenting than cardio?  Still, it was loads of fun and the buzz I got when I actually managed to achieve something was amazing.
Pole Fitness - I specified the fitness because I know some people can be a bit snobby about pole.  Like with salsa I was incredibly nervous - how could I go along to a class in skimpy clothing and manage to look good going up a pole?  Surprisingly, I was good at it.  I must have been a monkey in a former life.  Or a squirrel.  By the end of the lesson I was starting to work on going upside down!  I came out feeling fantastic about myself and that feeling didn't go away until I woke up the next morning.

Yeah, I still miss you.  But that's ok.  I'm starting to learn that that doesn't make me a bad person.  I'm focusing on channelling the energy I feel towards you in wishing you every happiness in the world rather than doing what my head tells me to do every single day.  It takes a surprising amount of strength which is far more exhausting than all of the exercise I've been doing.

I don't want to hurt anymore and losing weight is really making me feel happier.  I'm doing my best to push other things out of my mind and focus on that.  I will get there.  

Onwards and upwards

xx

Would you like an adventure now or shall we have our tea first?

I'm seriously pushing myself at the moment.  For example, even though I feel ugly fat and disgusting - I have glammed up and I am ready to head out.  The easier option would have been to curl up in a ball and cry - that was also the most preferable option, but it was short-term gain for long-term pain.

I'm also trying new things.  I've signed up to learn aerial hoop and pole fitness classes next week.  Those who know me will know how bizarre that is for me.  I've not quite got to the stage where I'm ready to do a bungee jump, but slowly and surely this tortoise will get there (note: don't actually expect me to do a bungee jump.  It's purely a metaphor).  So, yeah, last week I hurt myself.  But that was a temporary blip.

Onwards and upwards.  

Palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss

I had a brilliant day today.  

Suck on that bitches.

I have also found ballet breathtakingly beautiful.  I'm of the opinion that those who say they hate ballet because it's dull, haven't watched the right ballet.  Every little girl wants to be a ballerina and at the back of my mind that thought is still pirouetting.  Of course we want to be ballerina's, they're beautiful, graceful and get to wear lovely costumes - what's not to love?  Unfortunately, as you get older you get weighed down with judgements and other negativity until you are so laden down you can only leap like an elephant.  

Today I had my first ballet class at Aelfa and really enjoyed it.  For once in dance I felt in control. I still avoided the mirror like the plague, but I suddenly felt far more graceful and that grace made me feel happier.  It's simple science really.  Standing up nice and straight with your chin up makes you feel more confident than if you were to squish down into a ball and ballet forces you to come out of that little shell.  

Will I be the next Darcey Bussell?  Yes.  And that's not me being pig-headed.  If I want to improve then I need to believe that I can improve and come out at a very high standard - otherwise what's the point?  The next time you wistfully think of a skill you wish you were better at, tell yourself that you are awesome at that skill and keep on doing it with that positive energy.  You'll get better.  

After ballet we had vocal classes and then an introduction to Stanislavsky.  Don't get me wrong, I know the guy is very important in the acting world, but reading his books were really hard work.  Today though as we were discussing it I understood everything that I'd read!!  

Lunch followed (strictly on salads at the moment), and then we began our Historical Dancing looking specifically at the type of Renaissance dancing you might find in a Shakespeare play.  

Those of you who know me well will know immediately that I was in my element.  I love the Renaissance.  I love Shakespeare.  I love how theatre was developing at that time.  So despite the fact that it was another dance lesson, the fact it had 'Historical' in front of it had taken away the usual shiver of dread that I feel.  

So all in all, I've had a marvellous day and wanted to write it down so I never forget it.  I want to cling on to this feeling of happiness and keep it with me.  In Ballet we did lifts and I pretty much rocketed towards the ceiling and the adrenaline rush was incredible.  I want to hold on to that too.  

It made me feel infinite.  

Let all Oz be agreed, I'm Wicked through and through

One more disaster I can add to my generous supply.

Oh dear.  I'm afraid to say you've caught me on a bit of a downer.  Well, the word downer simplifies it too much, it's a tornado of very strong emotions.  So I've decided to try and blog about it rather than let it fester away.  

No good deed goes unpunished.

Do I think that I'm a bad person?  Yes.  I do.  I think we have good and bad in all of us, but after years of trying to hold up the good, every know and again I come to the bitter conclusion that I should just give up and turn bad.  Rather than thinking the things that I know are wrong, I do them.  It gives me such an adrenaline rush.  Obviously, I am still at the stage where I am able to think about killing someone without actually doing it - so that's a positive.  

No act of charity goes unresented.

Think about it.  Name a good person who is selfless, kind and spends their time trying to improve the live of others - and who is loved by all for doing it.  You can't think of someone because deep down we all hate do gooders.  Some hatred is more obvious than others.  For example: the woman who spends half her time making sandwiches for the poor and the other half bragging about it.  We can openly hate that woman under the guise of it being because of her bragging.  But what about the woman who does the exact same thing but doesn't brag about it.  Do we still like her?  Honestly?  I can imagine some people reading this acting horrified and going. 'yes!  Of course we do!'

But you're lying.  

Was I really seeking good?  Or just seeking attention?

As I've mentioned before, 'attention-seeker' is a phrase that haunts me and I can promise that anyone who calls me one these days will get a punch in the face.  I state this now so that you understand that if I do punch you in the face, don't bother trying to press charges because I did warn you beforehand.  Anyway, I digress.  At the end of the day, everything we do is for attention.  It's programmed into our systems from birth.  'I'm hungry - cry'. 'I'm dirty - cry', 'I'm bored - cry'. and yet there is still a bitter resentment of people who do this - despite the fact that everyone does it.  I really don't understand humans. 

I meant well, but look at what well meant did.

I'm tired of being nice and well behaved to those who continuously kick me in the face.  I'm tired of being gracious.  I want to fight back.  So that's what I've started to do.  Sometimes this new attitude makes me really happy, other times it destroys me.  My emotions go from one extreme to the other, which isn't healthy, but being wicked is addictive.  It makes you feel like you're alive and other people can see you.  

No good deed will I do again.  

Will have this new ethos forever?  Who knows.  I change on quite a regular basis at the moment.  In the space of half an hour today I had a panic attack and a fit of manic giggling all because I'm scared of strangers.   To be frank, it's exhausting and I wish my mind would just calm down.  I have too many characters in my head screaming to be heard.  I used to be able to organise them, but they're now running riot.  It's thanks to them that I'm so confused at the moment.  

I hurt someone that I deeply care about some weeks ago.  Someone who really hurt me.  We've both apologised, but I cannot begin to describe the level of pain that I feel for having hurt them back.  To hear that I'd ruined all chances with my actions devastates me.  But those who do the crime serve the time.  Even after everything I wish them all the happiness in the world - even if their happiness is at my expense.  

Which is annoying seeing how often I rant about being a strong woman who only needs to worry about being happy and in control, and yet I feel more grown up with this person than I do when making a decision concerning just myself. 

I feel more real.  

Anyway, I have ballet tomorrow so I must get some sleep.

Despite being an un co-ordinated chubster, there's still a little girl in me who longs to be a ballerina.  

Good night  xx

To live would be an awfully big adventure

I'm well aware that I've used that title before.  

Today is World Prevention of Suicide day.  So I thought I'd shock you with some statistics.  

The second biggest cause of death between 15-29 year olds is suicide.  

In richer countries, men are more likely to commit suicide than women.  

Every 40 seconds, someone kills themselves.  

Around 800,000 people commit suicide each year.  

Those over 70 are most likely to take their own lives.  

In 1994 guidelines were set in place for how the media should report suicide.  Most of these guidelines are ignored.  

In Britain, male suicide has increased dramatically, whereas female suicide stays around the same mark.

This is the quote that I try to keep in mind on my down days.  My own reasons for wanting to die revolve around wanting to make the world a better place.  The logic is that I am a poison that needs to be eliminated.
For others it can be that they don't see a way out.  They just don't see things getting better.  Those kind of feelings are like drowning.  You've been battling the waves for so long, but now you're just exhausted and want to relax.

Of course some do it for an even sadder reason.  Things like insurance payments.  Every suicide is a tragedy, but these ones I think are the saddest of them all.

If you're a decent human being then you'll make this promise with me.  Don't ever hurt someone to the point where they feel like they can't carry on.  If someone commits suicide because of your bullying, that makes you a murderer.  It might feel funny or cool to say 'go die' at the time, but those two words are so incredibly damaging and it's not funny or cool to make someone feel suicidal.

Nor is it cool to judge someone for being suicidal.  I highly doubt that anyone wakes up and thinks, 'hmm what shall I do today for fun?  I know.  Kill myself.'  If you find yourself looking at someone who is Genuinely suicidal and thinking that they are only doing it for attention/they need no sympathy/they're going to hell - then let me assure you that my fist will make acquaintance with your face.

I hope the people who have died have found peace.

But I hope even more that those who are still alive will soon find happiness.

xx

Liars and Believers

I'm really enjoying my course.

Of course, it helps that all of the people there are completely mad and none have demonstrated any arsehole skills which I often spot straight away.  Yesterday was just registration really, but today we looked more at what a day at Aelfa is like and the general ethos that they have.

It's fantastic because they don't believe in limitations.  Everyone is born a blank canvas and you choose what colours you want to be painted with.  Often we let ourselves be painted with certain colours because our peers/parents/teachers tell us that's the colour that best suits us and therefore shy away from others, but at the end of the day the decision is ours.

Vincent Van Gough (whattaman) was told many times to give up his dreams of being a painter.  His art didn't sell and people laughed at him.  They all wanted to put him into a different box because it was convenient for them.  But he fought against it.  He kept up his painting because it made him happy and he believed in himself to always carry on trying to be the best.  

We should all try to be more like that.  

Rather than letting that little inner voice tell us our limits we should be belting out Defying Gravity.  

Instead of nodding when someone says, 'you can't do this - you're better at this' we should be sticking our tongues out like a small child and going, 'na na na na na, I'm going to do it anyway!!'

In class today we learnt how these changes in mindset greatly affect your physical bodies.  When you have doubts, lie or are insulted you immediately become weaker.  You can prep for it all you like but it's astonishing just how much strength falls out of you.

On the other hand positivity makes us stronger.  So why do we find it so hard to hold on to something that helps us out?

I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that.  I'm not sure that anyone does.  I'd like to say that in my lightbulb moment of learning it, all problems have been fixed and I am now 100% merry and carefree but I'm not.  Annoyingly, that takes time.  I fell down a rabbit hole some time ago and while I am climbing up again, there are setbacks, there are days where I want to give up - but that doesn't matter.  What does matter is that I am trying.  No one can take that away.  

I think the part of the reason why people rarely believe in ourselves is that we're taught from an early age to see those who are confident as arrogant and egotistical.  Of course, there are those out there who are arrogant and egotistical, but there is a difference between them and those who simply believe that they can always try to do their best.  It's seen as far politer to be humble and deny our achievements rather than to be proud of them.  

So, a new goal.  Every day look at yourself in the mirror and say something you're good at.  It can be the same thing every day if that's how long it takes to sink in.  And you have to do it in front of a mirror, because looking in a mirror is hard.  Seeing ourselves makes it all the more real and makes us vulnerable.  We have to look in the mirror and say something positive and we are forbidden from thinking something negative in retaliation.  If you do that, then you have to argue your case and stay in front of that mirror until you win.  

And finally some wisdom from the man.  

'Not matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true.'

xx

The Asylum

'It is a truth universally acknowledged that the mentally ill have always made others rather uneasy.'

Or I think that's how P&P starts.  Either way my point is still the same, we can all deal with physical illness but when it comes to the mind it's an uncomfortable subject.  I suppose it's because when we think of cancer we think of 'My Sister's Keeper' but when we think of a mental illness Bertha Rochester springs down from her attic and screams at us in a traditional lunatic kind of way.

  

Luckily, these days, those who are suffering tend to be treated rather than locked in an attic - but there are still definitely those who'd much rather that these 'attention seekers' be hidden away rather than continuing to make people feel uncomfortable.  It got me thinking about the times gone by, how physical illness has fought to become accepted but mental illness is still left very much in the dark.

The Ancient Greeks were the first to talk about problems of the mind (because, let's face it, they were quite often the first to do anything).  Socrates praised the positive aspects calling it a 'manic art' which Pythagoras admitted to hearing voices.  Hippocrates talks of melancholia which is a general umbrella term for all the different diagnosis's of today.  Mela - meaning black  and khole means bile.  Black bile is one of the four humours and supposedly the reason for this illness.  When a bigger Roman influence came in, the Greek physician Asclepiades advocated more human treatments such as diet and massages and freed insane persons from confinement.  Another physician, Celsus, suggested more therapies such as:

• bloodletting
• drugs
• talking
• incubation in temples
• exorcism
• incantations
• amulets and other such charms
• starvation
• being terrified suddenly
• agitation of the spirit
• stoning
• beating

Many people comment today that there is a rise in mental illness - suggesting that there is no such thing.  

If those were the treatments in the past, I completely understand keeping quiet.  

The Muslim world continued where the Greeks had left off in the Middle Ages, striving to learn more about this melancholia.  Their ethos was that the mentally ill were there to be protected and treated humanely and built the first psychiatric hospitals for them.  

Meanwhile in the Western world, Christians continued to believe in the four humours but also believed that mental illness was a punishment for sin.  Rather than the talking and activity therapies that the Muslims advocated, they preferred purging the body of the evil that plagued the body, whipping, fasting or in same cases exorcism.  It was also decided that there was the naturally born 'idiot' or the 'lunatic' - luna coming from the Latin word for moon as it was now believed that the cycle of the moon had a profound effect on the mind.  

Dancing Mania was a social phenomenon which is, quite frankly, bizarre.  It was primarily in Europe between the 14th and 17th centuries and involved people, sometimes in their thousands, dancing erratically until they collapsed from exhaustion.  It has been noted down that these people didn't even seem conscious - they were on another planet entirely.  Some dressed peculiarly and decorated themselves with flowers, some walked around naked and a few were even said to have sex right while they were dancing.  Throughout the dancing they all made as much noise as possible: laughing, crying, screaming and calling out.  

Understandably, people had no idea how to cure these people.  For a time they had musicians play their instruments to try and put off the dancers - but obviously that just encouraged more people to join in.  

Learning about that only made me all the more bewildered that these days we can't even handle people confessing to us that they're feeling down.  

The mentally ill were a fantastic scape goat during the witch hunts.  Authorities had to show that they were doing something and there was no one to defend these lunatics.  The majority of families couldn't cope with looking after them - quite often the social stigma was too much to bear, and so these people would be confined to workhouses, prisons and the new and upcoming madhouses.  Often these places were bursting at the seams and they needed a way to crack down on the numbers.  

By the end of the seventeenth century, it was generally accepted that God didn't send down illnesses as punishments and it was purely physical rather than a reflection of their morals.  However, this new theory really didn't help matters and it is from this we have the stereotypical idea of a lunatic.  Like wild animals, you could go and watch the inmates and Bedlam as a form of entertainment.  Harsh treatment was accepted - almost expected and the masters of these places would boast of their skill with the whip.  Essentially, the place you went to be treated at such a crucial time in your life was the place that elated in taking out the last of your humanity.  

Lucikly 100 or so years later, reformers managed to break through the ceiling and fought for more humane treatments - some of them even being ex-patients.  However, not everyone agreed and even then the reformers weren't exactly the same standard we have today.  For example, physicians in the United States were adamant that the black slaves who tried to escape were merely affected by a mental illness caused by their evolution over time.  

The 20th century sought to fight off the negative stigmas around mental illness - now referring to asylums as hospitals and lunatics as patients.  

But Nazi Germany was not so kind.  The mentally ill were not what they wanted in their idealistic lifestyle and were therefore one of the first groups to be targeted.  It is estimated that over 200,000 people were put to death, and yet they receive hardly any attention when it comes to thinking of the crimes against humanity during those years.  

So why does it make us uncomfortable?  Are we not more educated now?  If 1 in 3 of us will suffer with something of the mind at some point in our lives, then why are we not accepting of it?  You can bluff and say that you are fine with it all you like but honestly think of the difference of your reaction in this.

1) A stranger sits next to you on a bus and announces that they have cancer.  Obviously your reactions will include really? and why are you telling me this? but there will also be a large amount of sympathy/shock.  Most likely you will get into a conversation about it, talk about treatments and charities, awkwardly wish them well for the future.  When you get home you tell your family about this poor person you met on the bus.

2) A stranger sits next to you on a bus and announces that they are schizophrenic.  Again there will be the reactions of really? and why are you telling me this? but can you honestly hand on heart say that you would react in the same way you did to the person with cancer?  Why not?  Neither illness is catching and neither person asked for their illness.  

Again, we are fretting about this idea of Bertha in the attic.  We worry that as they are unbalanced they will hurt us - because that is the only thing they'll be occupied with, right?  Hurting other people?  

The main label I see people branded with is 'attention-seekers', it's one that I have been branded with a fair amount of times (ta, sweetheart) and it is the one that disgusts me the most.  

If I were to announce to the world how unhappy I was then I'd be called an attention-seeker.

If I were to keep quiet and keep my head down - walking away from negative situations and so on, I'd be called an attention seeker.  

If I were to put on a happy face and show the world no sign of anything going wrong in my life then I'd feel so much worse for bottling up.  

'I know, Vincent.  It's infuriating.'

And eventually I learnt that the problem was not with me, but just the general ignorance that surrounds illnesses of the mind.  We need to get over this idea that people ask for mental illness.  We need to realise that pretending the problem doesn't exist only makes it worse.  But most of all we need to be kind to one another and stop blaming people for not fitting in to your ideal  - because that just makes you a Nazi.  

Obviously this kind of thing doesn't help.  It trivialises these disorders, thus making others believe that we are making much ado about nothing.  

 Let's be positive now and stop stigma.
 Let's be kinder and more understanding.

 It's all very well saying to someone whose depressed 'oh, well at least you're not starving in Africa,' but that only makes them feel 1000% worse.

It's all very well saying, 'can't see what she's so depressed about?' but you haven't walked in those shoes.  Things affect people differently, no two people have the same journey.

And finally I present to you a list of just a few famous faces who have battled/are battling demons in their minds.