Happy New Year

My year.  It's had its ups.  It's had its downs.  All in all, I wave it goodbye with some fondness and am looking forward to a beautiful new year with Aaron. 

Shortest blog ever!

xx

And the bells are ringing out for Christmas day

As I listen to the gorgeous voice of Idina Menzel (take note John Travolta) I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. 

 

I wish you a Merry Christmas whether it's because you're celebrating the mass of Christ's birth, celebrating family and friends or celebrating the new year.  If you're celebrating your material goods, then I suggest you might want to look at your priorities. 

If you don't celebrate Christmas at all (bah humbug) then I wish you happiness for the latter part of this year and good wishes for an even better year next year. 

 

Christmas is quite easily my favourite holiday.  It's the most magical of all holidays and it makes me think about all the different messages that we can take from it - regardless of religious preference.  We come together as a family and spend time together, we thank each other for the year, we wish strangers well - these are all things we should implement in every day life, not just one day a year. 

Today's Christmas thought is about the baby Jesus.  That tiny wee baby in the stable born all those years ago.  He was the son of God, but if you looked at Him would you have known?  Think about the potential that each of us have.  Sure, we might not be the next Jesus, but we all started off as a helpless baby.  He then used his courage and determination to spread the word of love, even when he was being threatened.  We can all do that as well.  We can achieve anything. 

With that in mind, I am going to wonder what I can achieve.  I doubt that I'll be able to feed thousands of people with a small basket of  fish and loaves of bread, or walk on water, or part the sea - but if we can all come together and spread a message of love that will be a massive achievement.  Christmas is such a wonderful holiday but not everyone has love around them.  While people are gorging on their Christmas feasts, there are many who are starving.  While families are bickering there are just as many people without anyone.  

 Today I skim-read my old blog posts from around this time last year and I am really pleased with how much my attitude has changed in such a short space of time.  I've talked about coming off my medication, but they've said it's not a good idea yet, but with faith, trust and determination it will happen! 

I last blogged about things to be grateful for this Christmas rather than counting the gifts we get from under the tree.  What blessings have you counted?  Even the most pessimistic of you will be surprised at your findings! 

 

 

That's not to say I don't miss anything.  I miss my dog, Belle.  We're all heartbroken without her.  I miss the simplicity of knowing what exactly I feel towards some family members.  Some nights I've tossed and turned, wondering about whether or not to send a Christmas cards.  Other nights I've cried and raged against them.  This year I decided not to.  I'm in a very happy place at the moment, and I won't have them spoil things by sending the cards back (again). 

 

 

Anyway, my rambling is at its end.  Merry Christmas to you all.  Especially: Mum, Dad, Katie, little Thomas who is celebrating his first Christmas! Ami and Luke (who is also celebrating his first Christmas!), everyone at Aelfa for making me feel so welcome and finally to Aaron.  My favourite Christmas present. 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMokI0bNbs8

 

xxxx

 

 





This year to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.  Oh wait.  No, I don't.  But I probably should!  What I'm currently concentrating on, however, is reasons to be thankful. 

At this time of year we write out our Christmas lists filled of the things we want, we struggle to hide our disappointment when someone gets us socks (unless they're really nice) and we moan about having eaten too much good rich food.  This Christmas, I am vowing to count my current blessings. 

1) Mum and Dad

Oh yes,  Sometimes they annoy the bejeebus out of me!  Dad's more stubborn than I am and Mum can be a time bomb - but I love them both and I wouldn't change them for the world.  Not even for the love of Johnny Depp. 

2) Katie

 

This kid does not stop talking.  And she follows you round like a lovesick puppy (with the sound effects) or like Colin Creevey, always ready to pounce with her kiddiezoom and take an unflattering photo.  She has so much energy it makes you tired to look at her.  But I'll tell you what.  When she wakes me up at some ungodly hour by crawling into my bed and spending the rest of the night heavily breathing on my face while she stares at me, plays with my hair, stage whispers about the most random things and fidgets, I love it.  Deep down.  Deep deep deep down. 

 

3) Aaron

 

 

I've only known him a short while, but it took me an even shorter time to realise just how incredible this guy is and what a lucky girl I am.  He is so easy to talk to, amazingly thoughtful and considerate, and I adore him dearly. 

 

' Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this. '

 

 

 

4) Ami

 

 



 

This girl is incredible.  I am so fortunate to have her as my friend.  Recently she has been my rock.  If you ever need anything, my darling - just give me a call. 





5) Aelfa

Thank God for Aelfa.  Thank God for Aelfa.  I have never settled in so easily with a group of people before.  I cannot believe how much I am changing for the better under their guidance - not only in things like performance skills, but also how I view myself and the world around me.  I quite simply love them. 

5) Annlouise 

We both might be appalling at staying in consistent contact, but whenever we do remember we pick off straight from where we left off.  Thank you for being my best friend.  Thank you for always knowing what to say. 

6) Food, warmth and shelter

If you don't know why I'm thankful for these things then you're a fucking idiot and I'm surprised that you can even read. 

7)  Inspirational people

Last time I checked, the total he raised for charity was near £5 million.  Whilst he was still alive and the total was at £3 million, he continued to insist that the money go to charity rather than it being spent on himself.  How many of us can honestly say the same thing about ourselves?  In a time of great need he gave to others, and I just think that is really fantastic. 





If you don't know why Emma Watson is on this list, then I suggest you check out her speech as a UN Ambassador. 


I could go on to put in many more people on my 'Inspirational' list, but for now I'm tired, so I'll save that for another day - these two were just a taster!








8) Faith

It's 100% cool if you decide to not have a faith.  It's also 100% cool to decide to have a faith.  Just thought I'd put that out there.  Sometimes people try and make me feel bad for believing in God, but their intentions don't ever work.  You cannot tell someone what to believe and what not to believe.  My faith has been an enormous comfort to me.  It gives me hope.  It reminds me of goodness.  Religions don't cause wars.  People do. 

9)  Music

I must resist the temptation not to write out any ABBA lyrics.  But seriously, it's true.  Imagine how awful life would be without music?  Be thankful for it.  And yes, the songbird within me weeps whenever she hears the likes of miley cyrus but at least my songbird is still there! 

10)  Harry Potter

If you read Harry Potter carefully, it can be interpreted as a self-help book.  Not surprising seeing as J.K Rowling has been stuck in the pit of depression herself.  But she reminds me that there is always hope.  That there is always something worth fighting for. 

11)  Peter Pan

If you hadn't already guessed through reading my blog, I like Peter Pan.  It's enchanting and will continue to enchant me forever more. 

12) Pole

It gave me confidence.  And I cannot wait to get started again. 

“Wendy, Wendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars.”

I haven't written in quite some time.  I've been busy!  No, the truth is I am a much happier person now and these kind of reflections are less needed than before. 

I love my course at Aelfa.  I don't have to drag myself out of bed in the mornings (unless I've had a rubbish night's sleep!) because I am so excited to go there and get to work.  Even during this time of assessments where I'm panicking about whether or not I'm good enough, I still find plenty of time to smile at just how lucky I am to be at such a wonderful place. 

And now I'm thankful for this guy coming into my life.  He sat and watched Moulin Rouge with me even though he hated it (I know right! How is that possible?) , he is adorable, kind and makes me feel safe.  He is an incredibly wonderful boyfriend. 

I've stood out in the freezing cold to watch him play football even though my feet turned blue (he's very good!), I've let him off the hook for having Not read the Harry Potter books or seen all the films (again, I know right!).  I do this because even though it's only been a short while, I adore him and I'm incredibly lucky that he adores me too. 

So, yes.  Lots of happy things to be thinking about at the moment!  AND it's nearly Christmas!  xx

"Without the birds I dare not think how I should have gone through the War at all"

'Extraordinary.'  The old man beside me breathed in wonder.  'Absolutely extraordinary.'  

'Yes.  I agree.'  His wife murmured.  'The detail is wonderful, the colours!  The art is beautiful.  Beautiful.'  

Are you kidding me?  I went to see the poppy display today and it definitely wasn't beautiful.  True, in these photographs the juxtaposition of the vibrant red against the grey stone walls does look really artistic, but when I looked down at those poppies I saw the hundreds of thousands of dead bodies that they represented.  I just wanted the poppies to stop.  I couldn't bear the fact that there were so many.  I didn't see a thing of beauty.  I saw one of horror.  

Tourists were milling around taking photos (selfies mainly) of them grinning next to this display, chatting enthusiastically about how they'll buy a poppy when an exhibition is done.  It was infuriating.  I wanted to scream at them that each poppy represented a dead person.  I wasn't being morbid!  I wasn't saying that we should all roll around and cry with grief, but I was astounded that it didn't give people more chills.

All the while I couldn't stop thinking about the political organisation 'Britain first'.  They are a Marmite group, you either love them or hate them and I fall into the latter category.  Their logo is an African lion.  The majority of them worship a man from Jerusalem, even the ones who don't get a symbol of him on their flag and Britain is from Latin terminology.  Since time began humans have been travelling around the world sharing their knowledge and moving forwards.  That's how we've had progress!  There would be so many things missing from our society today had it not been for the influence of other cultures.  

Why do we get offended if we learn that our children are going to learn about another faith at school?  Seriously, why?  They're being educated about another part of human life, what is the problem with that?  

Why are we so happy to spend £300 on a handbag but get absolutely outraged when it comes to sending foreign aid?  Where did this 'look after our own' attitude come from?  The only problem I have with sending money abroad is making sure it goes to the right people, but there are some who are quite happy to see thousands of people die just for being unlucky enough to be born in a corrupt country.  I wonder how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.  

Xenophobia is a very new thing.  Sure, we've always had our problems with the French - it's a long standing joke.  There have been problems with racism in the past.  But this passionate hatred for change and other cultures is new.  If you do your proper thorough research, you'll see that our history is threaded so much with immigration and they loved it.  There's a reason why the May Day Riot of the medieval times has always been known as 'Evil'.  

All of these poppies represent someone who died in The Great War.  It's often said that they died fighting for their country.  But they died for a reason far sadder than that.  They were fighting against a group of people who were more concerned with taking power and conquering rather than living peacefully and learning from one another.  Years later their descendants died fighting racists.  So don't lecture me on British pride and wear your poppy if you're going to be so intolerant of other human beings.

I then got emotional coming across this grave.  One of my idols, Queen Anne Boleyn.  Seriously, I teared up.  422 (if my maths is right) years later and she still has a girl getting weepy by her grave.  I then stood by where her scaffold was built all the time just thinking of what it would be like knowing that you were about to be murdered on the orders if your love and the father of your child.  

When we got tired of being morbid, we moved over to The Globe.  I'm studying Elizabethan Theatre at the moment so this was fantastic.  I walked around there praying to God that one day I'd get to perform on that stage.  

But the thought of all those poppies didn't leave me.  So I ask this of anyone who has managed to get to the end of this blog.  Please, be more compassionate.  We have lost so much of that.  

Onwards and upwards

xx

Don't you ever stop dreaming. You can be anyone you want to be.

Winds in the east / Mist coming in / Like something is brewing / About to begin / Can't put me finger / On what lies in store / But I feel what's to happen / All happened before.

Mary Poppins is the very enemy of whimsy and sentiment. She's truthful. She doesn't sugarcoat the darkness in the world that these children will eventually, inevitably come to know. She prepares them for it. She deals in honesty.   

The older I've got, the more I have come to adore Mary Poppins.  Of course, I am incredibly whimsy and sentimental, but I am growing eternally grateful for her firmness and no nonsense attitude.  She came flying back down into my life as I was watching Saving Mr. Banks and gave me a good shake.  

Much like P.L Travers in the film, I have a big problem with forgiveness.  Particularly when it comes to forgiving myself.  Instead I prefer to nurture it and let it fester away.  It's something so human that we all do, but it also has horrible consequences; and I want to stop those consequences.  

There's no greater joy than that seen through the eyes of a child, and there's a little bit of a child in all of us.

I spent my weekend helping at at the most recent Showbiz show.  Helping out.  Not performing.  It was bizarre.  I kept on hearing all this familiar music and every time my thought was, 'SHIT!  I'm supposed to be on stage!  Oh....yeah....'  Anyway, it made me feel very conflicting emotions.  I was ecstatic to be back, overwhelmed by pride and also full of sorrow that I couldn't join in!!  This morning I just wanted to stay in bed so I could go back in time to when I was so happy, but a disapproving tut from Mary Poppins got me out pretty quickly.  I can't go back to being a child.  As much as I want to jump up and down and scream 'I won't grow up!  I won't!'  I can't do that.  But that doesn't mean I have to get rid of the child in me.  

I have these things to think about: My family, my loved ones, my education, my future.  

The negative stuff is being taken out of my toy box.  

They makes cages of all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of them

 I hate waking up and having down days.  I think some people are under the impression I enjoy them, but that couldn't be any further from the truth.  Why would you enjoy days where getting out of bed is terrifying?  Where having a shower and getting dressed is a struggle?  Now I'm focusing on remembering the practicality of Mary Poppins.  Her attitude of 'spit spot' even if you don't even feel capable of moving a muscle.  Some days will be harder than others, but every day that I get through will be another victory.

But there is one thing I am determined to always believe.  No matter what, there is always hope.  

What did I tell ya? There's the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps.

Today I realised that I've closed my chapter on you.  If your character reappears it is at your choice and not mine.  I could spend time thinking about how much I want you in this book, but thinking of things of which I have no control makes me unhappy so I'm going to stop.  I've spent months thinking about your happiness, and now I'm going to start thinking about my own.  I wish you every joy in the world.  

Thank you Mary Poppins for giving me a kick up the arse.  

Goodbye, Mary Poppins, don't stay away too long.

I let go of the pole

So yes that still basically sums up my feelings at the moment.  But I'm working on kicking through that.  

Last time I posted was last week when I said that I wanted to do an Inverted Crucifix, so I was very frustrated when I got to pole and found that I was struggling to get upside down.  I was strong enough.  I had enough stamina.  What I was struggling with was the fear of going upside down.  

It was very irritating.  I knew I could do it but whenever I started to get there I'd freak out and go back in to safety mode.  

Now in life I've had such problems before.  Really wanting to achieve new things and push myself but having a mental block that keeps me down.  So I try and remember the best things to do in these situations; and as soon as my mind wanders I flip upside down and do it.  

I guess I had the power all along.  

Onwards and upwards.  

xx

When in doubt, pull a silly face.

On Sunday 5th of January in the afternoon when I was on my lunch hour at work, I found myself in tears on the phone to my best friend because I was back on that bridge again, terrified because I wasn't in control, still haunted by the idea of ending it all for what I often believe to be the greater good.

Thank God she answered her phone.  Thank God she knew what to do.  Because today I managed to do this

And so I'm feeling very pleased with myself!  

This isn't a post about me getting sympathy or anything.  It's a post for me.  It's a post for me to look back on and be proud of because I was in a black spot, but I managed to retain just enough of me to scramble back up again and I spent my week forcing myself up, forcing myself out of bed and forcing myself to live.  

It's been exhausting.  There have been times where I've wanted to give up just because I am so tired of this wave of sadness that keeps on hitting me, but I can't give up.  I have so many more goals to set myself.  My most recent goal was to get upside down on a pole.  Now it's to get upside down on a pole with no hands holding on.  Small steps.  Little goals.  

Onwards and upwards.  

Give Me Love

As my mood as been going up and down like a merry go round, I've decided to try and focus 80% of my energy on losing weight and the other 20% on trying new experiences.  So far I've been doing pretty well.

The best thing to do is to hurl myself out of bed every morning while I'm still not fully conscious.  If I lie there and think, I won't get out of bed.  I need to get up and ready as quick as I can, keeping my mind active on to the next task ahead.  The only problem with that is when you're about to go to sleep, all the thoughts you've been repressing during the day suddenly come up in your head wearing a smug little smile and shaking its head fondly.

So, new experiences.  Salsa - when I heard the word before lesson started I shuddered.  Dancing and me do not mix.  Sexy and me do not mix.  Sexy dancing and me is just a recipe for disaster.
But it was fine!  Sure, it took me a while to loosen up but when I'd put on my 'fuck it' hat things majorly improved.
Aerial Hoop - My Dad has always praised my core strength and balance.  When I did aerial hoop all of that disappeared.  How can something that looks so pretty and graceful be more tormenting than cardio?  Still, it was loads of fun and the buzz I got when I actually managed to achieve something was amazing.
Pole Fitness - I specified the fitness because I know some people can be a bit snobby about pole.  Like with salsa I was incredibly nervous - how could I go along to a class in skimpy clothing and manage to look good going up a pole?  Surprisingly, I was good at it.  I must have been a monkey in a former life.  Or a squirrel.  By the end of the lesson I was starting to work on going upside down!  I came out feeling fantastic about myself and that feeling didn't go away until I woke up the next morning.

Yeah, I still miss you.  But that's ok.  I'm starting to learn that that doesn't make me a bad person.  I'm focusing on channelling the energy I feel towards you in wishing you every happiness in the world rather than doing what my head tells me to do every single day.  It takes a surprising amount of strength which is far more exhausting than all of the exercise I've been doing.

I don't want to hurt anymore and losing weight is really making me feel happier.  I'm doing my best to push other things out of my mind and focus on that.  I will get there.  

Onwards and upwards

xx

Would you like an adventure now or shall we have our tea first?

I'm seriously pushing myself at the moment.  For example, even though I feel ugly fat and disgusting - I have glammed up and I am ready to head out.  The easier option would have been to curl up in a ball and cry - that was also the most preferable option, but it was short-term gain for long-term pain.

I'm also trying new things.  I've signed up to learn aerial hoop and pole fitness classes next week.  Those who know me will know how bizarre that is for me.  I've not quite got to the stage where I'm ready to do a bungee jump, but slowly and surely this tortoise will get there (note: don't actually expect me to do a bungee jump.  It's purely a metaphor).  So, yeah, last week I hurt myself.  But that was a temporary blip.

Onwards and upwards.