Goodbye

My Granddad's funeral was the worst day of my life.  My parents would say the same thing.

When my other Granddad died in 2009, I found his funeral difficult because of all the people crying, but the feeling of togetherness and celebrating his life made me feel a thousand times better.  The fragility of a dozen people pushed together made us stronger.

For this funeral, I felt shaky as I walked into the Church.  We'd met up with my Dad's cousin and her husband/ my Godparents slightly beforehand.  My Dad had wanted to distance himself from them because he didn't want them to be shunned as well, but they were having none of it.  They were our rocks that day.

I'd written a letter for my Granddad.  We'd heard a rumor that that was what some people were doing.  It sounds silly, but I wanted him to have it.  So I went to the Vicar (for some reason there were 3), explained who I was and asked if she could put it by the coffin.  She asked me if I wanted it by the coffin at the crematorium too and I replied that I didn't know if that was allowed.  Saying that out loud really got to me.  The Vicar firmly said that she would put it on top of the coffin, she would then give it to the other Vicar who would take it to the crematorium and put it on top of the coffin there too.

Dad picked an area of the Church that was secluded.  At first I thought that it was because he didn't want his family to see him, but when they turned up I realized that it was because he didn't want to see his family.  Because I felt the same thing.  When the coffin came in I began to cry, but I positively began to howl when I saw them coming in somberly behind it.  I wanted to be there in that support network.  They were all sticking so closely together, as as usual we were outside of that perfect little bubble.

The whole way through the service I clung onto my parents.  If I stood a certain way I was concealed behind one of the stone pillars and therefore could not see them but could see the coffin where my note lay prominently.  We'd been told no flowers.  But guess what was on the coffin?  I felt sick with rage.

They spoke about his life, and I honestly could not believe how much he was like my dad.  Their interests were so similar.  I wish I'd known that before.  I glanced at my dad, he was a grey shadow of his former self.  He was thinking this too.  They then began to talk about his family.  I tensed up.  They spoke about the first son.  My gloriously rich Uncle who rarely speaks and who Loraine (my grandma) only loves because he wins a child Top Trumps.  Apparently he and his dad had been really close like best friends.  I fought the urge to laugh.  He was wearing sunglasses in the church.  He looked like a right tosser.  They then spoke about my cousins.  The ones who I have grown up in the shadow of.  They said that my Granddad was really proud of them both and that he loved them so much.  They carried on in this sickening fashion for ages.  I was stunned when the Vicar then said, 'Martin married Janet and they had two daughters, Marie and Katie.' But then they went straight onto my next uncle.

My knees buckled and I shook.  I genuinely wanted to be sick.  I want to scream out and cry.  While they spoke paragraphs and paragraphs for the others, we'd had one line.  People were staring at us in the Church.  They wanted to know what we'd done wrong.  And then I felt awful because I thought about how attention-seeking it was to want to be involved in that way.  How selfish it was to seek the approval of your family.  But I couldn't ignore the feeling that it was done as a way to kick us in the teeth.

The coffin was carried out of the Church with the sickening sniveling bunch of them following behind.  Bastards.  We waited for a few minutes and then we followed behind, standing far enough away to avoid a confrontation, but close enough to remind everyone that we were family too and deserved to be there.  My Uncle turned around and saw us.  And then he looked right through us.  I later saw him mutter to the others that the black sheep were there.  Among them were some vague relatives who my Dad had never seen before.  They got to travel in the family car.  While they all packed in, we walked to our own car.  At first, I hung my head not wanting to be seen.  But when I felt their eyes all burning into me, I realized that I had no reason to feel ashamed.  My head went up and I walked proudly to the car to follow them to the crematorium so that I could exercise my right as a granddaughter to say goodbye.

Rather appropriately, it was raining by the time we got there.  We got out of the car and made our way over there.  For reasons unknown to me, the building was closed, so the family waited under the canopy.  And we waited in the rain.  For ten minutes.

The service in the crematorium was brief.  Loraine 'therewillbenoflowersatthefuneral' laid a rose on the coffin.  She looked decades older.  I was glad.

Afterwards they went out to the crematorium garden with the intention of everyone going to a shindig afterwards.  We decided to leave at that point, and despite having been semi-composed for a while.  I lost it again.  My parents had to support me out of there.  Now I feel so ashamed, but at the time I just didn't care. My Mum thanked the Vicar for letting us come.  She said that as far as she was concerned there was never any question.  She was going to let us in.

Before the funeral, I googled what to do if you're banned from a funeral.  Instead, I was disgusted to find half a dozen forums dedicated on the best ways to ban people from a funeral.  After my experience, I have no respect for people who would do that.  They disgust me.

My Auntie emailed me a few days later to say that she wouldn't be going to watch me in my show after all.  I wasn't surprised but what do you say in response to that  I ignored it and she emailed my Dad.  He emailed back that the reason why I hadn't responded was because I had lost not only my Granddad that day, but also the rest of my family.  He was in the same boat.  She emailed back to say that she wasn't even aware that we were at the funeral.

Bullshit.

In the end I did respond after the show.  But ultimately I think that I have to cut ties with everyone.  For Katie's sake, I really don't want that to happen but I honestly don't know what else to do.