He would come up with mermaid scales sticking to him

Thoughts of suicide generally come to me in the Shower.  Maybe there's a little bit of Ophelia in all of us? 

I am now seeing a new psychiatrist.  She has one of those amazing ways of talking to you that makes you just open up and blah it all out, but doesn't look at you judgementally as you say it. 

So far we've been discussing my dysfunctional family.  I need to learn to admit that my family dynamics are quite strange and readapt to them and essentially learn to grieve. 

Since I was a kid, I have hoarded stuff.  Stones.  Toys.  Rubbers.  Cloth flowers.  Buttons.  Anything I could get my hands on.  As I got older it turned into nicking stuff like School Library Books.  Not necessarily things I wanted to read.  I just wanted something to hold on to.  Most of them made their way back eventually onto the shelves, but a few still grace my shelves.  Now that I have a debit card it has turned into compulsive buying.  I see it.  I buy it.  More often than not I find myself far away woken up from a dream laden down with shopping bags.  Anyway, the point of this is to say that I hold onto things.  I hold onto grudges.  I don't let go willingly.  I wish I could.  It makes no sense doesn't it?  An unforgiving Catholic.  I try.  I really do try. 

Mood swings have been quite bad recently.  A lot of it revolves around anger.  And it always comes out over the smallest things.  Mainly people being too slow.  I've felt like I was spinning and the whole world was going fast, but I was the only one running with it.  The word was pulling us forward and everyone was too lazy to ride with it.  It was so frustrating. 

Now my moods mainly revolve around nothing.  I've mainly been in a daze.  Stopping mid sentence, changing subjects, not listening, forgetting what was happening at that time.  I don't know how to change that. 

I'm 19 now.  I want the world to stop and to run all at once.  Nothing makes sense. 

 

(My favourite film)