"Dark and sinister man," Peter answered, "have at thee.”

Loneliness is a terrible thing.  I know this because I have felt lonely for most of my life.  For fourteen years I was an only child and so was well accustomed to playing by myself, but I'd always longed for a friend that I could treasure as a sister or a brother.  Now I have the loveliest set of friends, but our work schedules clearly doesn't want us to be friends.  I joke about it, but I'm really unhappy.

I woke up crying last night.  I'm not sure why.  But I felt terribly worthless.  As I lay there crying, I honestly just wanted to die.  I wanted this pain to end.  It was like hearing everything and nothing all at the same time. I felt lonely.  I felt hated.  I felt despised.  All I could think of was old school, old friends, old relations - people who I had disappointed and let down.  It's at those moments when psychiatrists would tell me to look at the positive things in life, but that just didn't occur to me.  It's all very easy to tell someone to do something obvious, but if it's that obvious in the first place then clearly they're just not able to do it at the time.

I'm reading a book called Nineteen Minutes at the moment, by Jodi Piccoult.  In those nineteen minutes a boy called Peter commits a High School Massacre.  'They started it.'  He says, as he is arrested.  I'm not sure if you're supposed to, but I feel really sorry for the guy.  There would be days at my old school where I used to think about going on a shooting spree.  The only thing that was stopping me was that I didn't have access to a gun.  Maybe that's the real reason why I'm so anti-guns.  Because I know that I would be one of the first people to go out and shoot.  The most recent psychiatrist I went to basically told me that I wasn't worth bothering about because I wasn't a danger to other people.  So what do I have to do to prove it?

The really funny thing is?  The people I hate most in the world I wouldn't shoot.  I wouldn't shoot because I am still desperately seeking their approval.  And I don't think people like you very much if you shoot them.