I suppose it's like the ticking crocodile isn't it? Time chasing after all of us, isn't that right?

Do we see only the stars if we die at night?  

Do we see only clouds if we die in the day?

Do we write it all now as Death comes along?

Do we only say now what we have wanted to say?  

Shall we swim over oceans and hear mermaids song?

Shall we smoke on a pipe and beat a Red Indian drum?

Shall we fight like a pirate, over silver and gold?  

Or miss our mothers arms and the secrets that we never told?  

Tears can flood a house  as we grow up and down

Tears can be a river through which trials are swum

Falling and falling in a world of no sense

Wanting normality, wanting our mum.

Why cry over princes when your Daddy is King?  

Why walk and run if when you believe you can fly?

Why languish in your Tower and weep for your Knight

Little Princess, don't cry, heroes never die

Shall we dance in gold ballrooms?  Shall we bathe in champagne? 

Shall we  sing in the sunshine or kiss in the rain?

Or shall we wallow in sadness, youthful and insane?

Wondering how long it will take, if they'll be seen again?

I'm sorry for being selfish, that I didn't die today.  

Too scared of the wheels of an oncoming train

I know that it would help if I just disappeared.

I'm sorry my love that I'm scared of the pain.  

Would the other side be brighter?  Would it keep me warm?  

Would He hold me in his hands to shelter me from the storm?  

Death is my duty, it needs to be done.  So why put it off?  Why do I cry?  

I leave this world for you and me, but not quite today.  

Let me see the sunrise, please, let it not be today.

"Dark and sinister man," Peter answered, "have at thee.”

Loneliness is a terrible thing.  I know this because I have felt lonely for most of my life.  For fourteen years I was an only child and so was well accustomed to playing by myself, but I'd always longed for a friend that I could treasure as a sister or a brother.  Now I have the loveliest set of friends, but our work schedules clearly doesn't want us to be friends.  I joke about it, but I'm really unhappy.

I woke up crying last night.  I'm not sure why.  But I felt terribly worthless.  As I lay there crying, I honestly just wanted to die.  I wanted this pain to end.  It was like hearing everything and nothing all at the same time. I felt lonely.  I felt hated.  I felt despised.  All I could think of was old school, old friends, old relations - people who I had disappointed and let down.  It's at those moments when psychiatrists would tell me to look at the positive things in life, but that just didn't occur to me.  It's all very easy to tell someone to do something obvious, but if it's that obvious in the first place then clearly they're just not able to do it at the time.

I'm reading a book called Nineteen Minutes at the moment, by Jodi Piccoult.  In those nineteen minutes a boy called Peter commits a High School Massacre.  'They started it.'  He says, as he is arrested.  I'm not sure if you're supposed to, but I feel really sorry for the guy.  There would be days at my old school where I used to think about going on a shooting spree.  The only thing that was stopping me was that I didn't have access to a gun.  Maybe that's the real reason why I'm so anti-guns.  Because I know that I would be one of the first people to go out and shoot.  The most recent psychiatrist I went to basically told me that I wasn't worth bothering about because I wasn't a danger to other people.  So what do I have to do to prove it?

The really funny thing is?  The people I hate most in the world I wouldn't shoot.  I wouldn't shoot because I am still desperately seeking their approval.  And I don't think people like you very much if you shoot them.

Think of all the joy you'll find when you leave the world behind.

Today I feel ajsefolisjdolsjjvjsoijflsdjgvohszilgvsefoiajlgvsdzoijfgoajvlnsoigvlsdz nvlgansougvnsljvn gshfo.
It's where I just cannot seem to stop moving.  Today is really one of those days where I want to be on the go.  I can't type fast enough.  It's frustrating really, because I feel like my mind is going at a billion miles per hour and my body is being too slow to keep up.  Maybe that's like being old?  But I'm racing anyway.  I love times like this where I'm so on the go.  I want to do everything.  There are so many stories in my head that are just desperate to get out.  They're screaming at me so loudly so that it's difficult to tell which one is which.  I think I'm writing about three simultaneously at the moment.  It'll probably grow into more later.

But despite all of that, I still don't want to see anyone.  They'd most likely slow me down and I'd have to focus on them rather than all the stuff that's pounding through my head right now.  It's like listening to music on full blast, but someone keeps to try to turn down the volume on your favourite song.  Not cool.

I love my course at Central.  It's amazing.  I love it to pieces.  I had my second session last night.  We had an interview with the vocal coach.  I talked about all the stuff that I loved and that I was passionate about.  I said about how I hated the stupid actors who came on to play someone in an evil way.  No one wants to be evil.  Just our actions push us that way sometimes.  We talked and talked and after a long while of looking at me thoughtfully she said, 'You're an odd one.  But I can tell that there's a much darker side to you than you're letting on.  You come across as someone who is incredibly vulnerable but who has locked it all away into a tiny little box.'  I just laughed.  Be a bit awkward if I agreed.

I'm bored of blogging now.  I wanted to write.  And I still am because I am still thinking, but now I want to draw as well.  I do that sometimes too.  I can't draw for shit, so I design costumes for films and stage shows instead.  Much more fun.  I've got an idea of doing gowns all based on various birds now, like swans and peacocks.  That'll be fun.

I wish that it wasn't so cold.  I want to go outside and build a den out of sticks.  Not that I used to do that all that much as a kid anyway.  We just didn't have the facilities.  But I want to.  I want to build a den and hide away in there and smile.  Bugger it.  I think I'll just go and do that.  Bye!!

Think of the happiest things, it's the same as having wings

I've been super lazy today.  It's like normal laziness.  But I'm also wearing a cape.  

How do I feel today?  Hazy.  Happier, yes.  But hazier.  It's like when you wake up in the morning and you're not quite sure what's what.  It's a kind of nice feeling, but it's more like drifting than anything else.  My new medication dose seems to be working - because I am a lot happier.  I don't feel so angry, so passionate about as many things.  It's like the colours in my rainbow have diluted slightly so that I can look at them.  Does that make sense?  Well, it does to me, and that's the only person who this blog is for.  

Weird side-effects though.  I feel so dizzy and feel faint all the time.  Every now and again I have to grab something before I keel over.  Had my first blood test at the Doctors which will hopefully answer some questions.  To tell you the truth, if they come back and say that the results have shown that I'm completely fine, I'll be a wee bit annoyed, purely because they took three vials of my blood for no reason therefore.  

I've nearly finished my Drama School Applications.  Yes, I know that I've left it late.  I like people to just carry on thinking that it's my laziness, that I'm just forgetful, but the truth is that I am bloody terrified.  I don't feel like I'm in the right place to really show myself off to my best advantage.  I feel too vulnerable and too afraid to do well.  And I don't want to go to new places either.  I want to stay in my pillow instead.  But I forced myself to get ready for them.  I will do it.  And I will do it well.  I'm determined now.  

“Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.”

So I had a bit of a breakdown the other day.  And, as usual, it wasn't really over anything.  But I got really upset, and then it all just turned into anger.  I wanted to hit someone.  Anyone.  But there was no one around.  So I hit myself, bit myself and pulled my hair, just to prove that I could really.

The really stupid thing I did?  I put it on Facebook.

Aahh Facebook.  You see, this doesn't count because I've only sent it to three people.  I'm not writing it for people to see.  I'm actually talking to myself (I am aware of this)  (why did I just justify that to myself?) (AAAHHH) ANYWAY, to put  it on Facebook is like dancing in Lady Gaga's meat bikini in a Lions den.  Why the fuck would you do it basically?

Now, let's just get things straight.  I HATE girls (or boys) who put something on Facebook, get shit for it, and then have the audacity to go, 'Oh.  I didn't think that anyone would see it.'  Hahahahahaha.  Turd.
I posted what I posted (basically an I hate people, life sucks rant that was fairly reminiscent of Catcher in the Rye (awful book) ) with the intention of people seeing it - not to get sympathy, but so they would get sad and jump in a ditch and die.  I genuinely thought that this was a good idea at the time.  Whoops.

Luckily, I'm not friends with too many dickheads on Facebook.  I got some kind messages from people asking if I needed a chat, I got some gentle teasing from people (including my Manager which was a bit awkward, mainly because I don't want him to think that I am a moody teenager ALL the time).  Yeah, sure I got some comments that were rude - but after being at first really upset and kind reverting back to, I don't want to be bothered with anything any more, I picked myself up and decided that people like that aren't worth bothering about.  Ahh Mummy, that's what you've been telling me for years.  I think that it's just sinking in.

In any case, I got the truth out there that I was unhappy.  I just handled it badly and did it to the wrong audience.  People have told me how important it is to get a strong bond around you filled with people who love you.  So, I've decided to try and do jut that.  Yes,  might end up with less people, but I'll end up with more friends.  xx

He's back

Finding Peter Pan Quotes for my blogs title is harder than I thought.  So seeing as last night I was on my way to Neverland, I figured that right now Peter and I have just arrived in Neverland.  Hence, 'He's back', anyway - I divulge.  

So I just found out through my American relatives that one of my British relatives was taken to hospital last night.  Dad looks kind of shell shocked.  He's worried for his brother, and also quite disgusted that no one decided to tell him.  My Auntie was obviously pre-occupied with her husband.  But there was a definite decision from the rest of 'that lot' that we didn't need to know.  

It's got me thinking, would they tell us if Granddad died?  Honestly?  I don't think that they would.  

This here was my year in statuses 2012 on Facebook.  It was amazing to look over all of this.  I had such a brilliant year.  This made me smile so much.  And it gave me an idea.  And I suggest that you guys do it too.  

Take an empty jar, a scrapbook, a box, something that's like a container - and every time you have an amazing feeling, write it down and shove it in there.  Then, next year, look over all of it and SMILE