King George VI: [Sees Logue is sitting on the coronation throne] What are you doing? Get up! You can't sit there! GET UP!
Lionel Logue: Why not? It's a chair.
King George VI: No, that. It is not a chair. T-that... that is Saint Edward's chair.
Lionel Logue: People have carved their names on it. It's held in place by a large rock. I don't care about how many royal arseholes have sat in this chair.
King George VI: Listen to me. Listen to me!
Lionel Logue: Listen to you? By what right?
King George VI: By divine right if you must, I am your king.
Lionel Logue: No you're not, you told me so yourself. You didn't want it. Why should I waste my time listening?
King George VI: Because I have a right to be heard. I have a voice!
Lionel Logue: Yes, you do.
And that's true of us. We all do have a voice. And we all do have the right to be heard. And the right to be taken seriously.
I went to the Doctor's on Tuesday. He told me what I already knew, I have depression and other symptoms of things. But I won't be going back there. It's not my choice. It's theres. I won't be going back there because after that one meeting is what decided that my illness wasn't serious. It was like taking a test and receiving 90%.
He asked me what I thought of my body. I said that it didn't like it. He asked me what I wanted to look like. I said Keira Knightley. He talked for ages about how that was my problem. I would watch TV and see skinny people and get depressed. This was one of the causes of my mental illness. I said that I disagreed. I'm an eighteen year old girl with low self-esteem. I don't know anyone who is happy with the way they look. It's just one of those things.
I told him about the things I see. The people. The animals. The ones who protect me and the ones who hurt me. He said that because I liked some of them that there was no point in thinking about it. He suggested that I go and talk to my priest.
He asked me how many years my mental health had been compromised. How long had I been unhappy? I said eight years. He said that maybe it would stop soon of its own accord.
We concluded the meeting with my medication being upped because I have been so depressed these last few months and seeing as I now won't potentially be getting any additional help I can be given more drugs to shut me up. Oh yes, it was suggested that I talk to someone. But that was my Priest. If I go to my Priest and tell him these things, he will only tell me to go and speak to a Doctor.
When I was sitting in the car I realised something. This has happening for eight years. Eight years I have felt so unhappy. When I was Year 7 I approached someone for help and was punished. So I waited years without it. In Year 11 I did something (I can't remember what) and I was referred to Connextions for counselling. But I was about to go on study leave. When I joined my sixth form I thought that I wouldn't be unhappy any more because I was in a happier and better place. But I was still unhappy and began counselling again at the reccomendation of some of my teachers. It was noted that it was helping, but I needed something more. So I was put on fluroxetine, (although more people know it as prozac), I was referred to a child's mental health place. I hated it. They made me balance eggs and pop bubblewrap whenever I made a judgement. I left there. And I was delighted when I turned eighteen and I could go talk to some new people and have them fix me. But I've been told that although I'm broken, I'm not worth fixing by them.
I guess they feel that my life is not so bad. But I can't cope. And if this is really how my life is supposed to be, then I don't want to live it anymore. Please, I cannot go on like this. And even if the increase in dose of medication improves things, then it still won't fix everything. It's just a temporary solution. I honestly think that people don't give a shit. I guess that there is nothing to give a shit about. So, if no one gives a shit, and I'm being a dramaqueen. Wouldn't it be so much more convinient if I just wasn't around?
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