"You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve and chivalry Set Gryffindors apart"

'Hey, you ok.'
'Yeah, I'm fine.  You?'
'Fine'

These are the rules for the conversation.  It is only the elderly, the children and the drunk who break these rules.  To say anything other than fine immediately sets the other person with a sense of unease.  How do they respond to this?  Do they acknowledge it?  If it is better than fine they are boasting, if it is worse than fine then it is self-indulgent.  How does the conversation progress with the knowledge that the other person is not just 'fine'?

But there comes a time when you need to break the rules.  You need to stop saying 'fine' if you're not.  In my experience, it's one of the bravest things you can do.  You have to stand up and admit that everything is not alright.  You have to break down that brick wall, smash that glass ceiling, kick those demons who hold you back in the face.  Because if you carry on saying that you're fine how will you ever get better?

I had to be brave recently.  For the last few months the black dog has been scratching at my legs, eager to be taken out for a walk.  I feel sorry for it.  Depression is like an abusive partner, you can only see it looking after you.  Occasionally I'd slip and drop the mask, but it grew exhausting to the point where on Tuesday I burst into tears over absolutely nothing and had a panic attack on the way home.

On the Wednesday I got an appointment.  I told my Doctor that it felt like my medication was no longer working.  I ignored the snarling black dog biting at my hand trying to stop me from spilling the beans, trying to persuade me to tell the Doctor that everything is 'fine.'

Due to the high dosage of my medication, I'm going back to therapy before we try switching pills.  I haven't even begun yet and I'm already feeling better.  There is an insane weight off of my chest.  There is the promise of hope.  There is the relief that other people know that I am struggling at the moment and are there to support me if I stumble.

So to anyone who is struggling at the moment, to the people who are not 'fine', please, please be brave.  It is hard.  It is really hard, but it will only get harder the longer you leave it - trust me from experience.  When the next person asks if you are ok, tell them the truth.  Don't be afraid to say what you're feeling - it's not a weak thing to do, it's an incredibly strong thing to do.

If you want to get better you need to ask for help.

And there are more people than you think who are around to help you.  

(Including me)

xx