There comes a time where you do have to give up your anti-depressants.
It's something I've been talking about for a while. Life has been pretty brilliant these past few months and so I felt ready to take the plunge into the journey of letting go.
But then a few weeks ago the black dog started doing more than sniffing at my heels. It woke me up in the night, lying on my chest and trying to get my attention. It piles my plate with food and makes me sick. It paws at me constantly with reminders that I'm not good enough.
What strengthened the black dog is my reaction to its sudden growth. For so long it had been docile and I was shocked and perturbed when it started to misbehave again. Where has this come from?!
I know where. The root of the problem was reawakened by the birth of a new family member and the overwhelming concern I have for her. The general advice given to me is that I need to let go and let live. My problem is that I'm stubborn and constantly out on a mission to fix the world.
The only thing I can do is pray. I will pray for that babe until I am sure she's safe and well. I will ignore the black dog and it will give up.
I've made it heel before.
So I made a change. I dyed my hair. Not had an overall positive reaction for it but it was a change I made for me and me alone. I need to stop being me for a bit and return to myself when I feel well enough to again.
Tomorrow I start my cover as Tinkerbell at Groombridge Place. I am so excited!
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