2015

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Admit it.  You just read that in Hugh Grant's voice.

As 2015 slowly comes to a close I thought I'd reflect on this year and the years to come.  But first I need to make a confession.  

I did something very silly.  

For a mixture of bizarre/paranoid reasons and genuine forgetfulness I stopped taking my medication.  I went completely without it for a week before dissolving into a mess when I dropped some cardboard on the floor at work.  No damage was done.  No one died.  The cardboard forgave me (probably) but I reacted as if I'd just shot a baby.  Some of you who are on a similar journey to mine are probably nodding your heads in understanding and remembering similar experiences in your own lives.  Those who have not been down this path are probably scratching your head in confusion.  

But that is done now.  At the time when I wanted to hurt myself I did the complete opposite and called my boyfriend instead.  To anyone who is going through dark times I cannot stress how important this is and how it really does work (so long as you call the right person, mind you).

So now that's off of my chest, onto newer and brighter things!  I've been thinking about all of the wonderful things that have happened to me this year.  

 I went to a Disney party and had my very own Peter Pan and Tinkerbell....

Aaron turned 21

 Katie turned 7

First show at Aelfa! 

First football match 

 Growing in confidence at Aelfa

SEEING S CLUB 7!  With my best friend

Going to Portsmouth with Aaron

 Moving house several hundred times

Going blonde

Being Julia in The Wedding Singer

Doing my exam pieces about my idol

All my brilliant opportunities at Groombridge.  Starting with Wendy in Peter Pan

Followed by an Elf and then Tinkerbell in Myths and Legends

And then a Chimney Sweep in the Christmas Market!

Turning 21

Our first anniversary

Of course I could go on!  There are many highlights.  My favourites have been my confidence to express an opinion, and anyone who can see my Facebook will tell you that I like to express it a lot.  

 So now onto news on a more global scale.  

No one can ignore the plight of the Syrian refugees who are fleeing for their lives in their thousands.  No one who claims to have any shred of humanity can turn aside from these desperate people.  

This year I have seen the polar opposites of people's opinions.  I have seen people sob for the little boy who washed up ashore.  I have seen people scoff and call it a media tactic.  

I have seen people for fight for the wealthy to recognise these people as fellow humans and to do something.  I have seen people call for them to be drowned at sea.  

I pray for those making the journey, those in the camps and those who are being scape goated and victims of racist attacks.  

In 2016 I pray that we can all be reminded of our duty to one another and that we have the courage to act on it.  

Saying that, here's the Canadian Prime Minister helping a young Syrian refugee.  Here's some more helpful acts from 2015....

We've had some major events happen in 2015 too.  (In no particular order).  

• Legalised gay marriage.  
• More talking and learning about transgender people since the Vogue issue with Caitlyn Jenner. 
• Jeremy Corbyn elected as leader of the Labour party
• John Snow.  That is all.  
• The blood moon.  
• The dress.  The black and blue one.  There was never a white and gold one.  
• No more page 3 boobs!
• Libby Lane becomes the first woman ordained as a bishop in the Church of England, at York Minster.
• The end of Top Gear.  
• Jurassic World returns!
• As does Star Wars!
• Princess Charlotte is born.  
• The Church of Scotland votes to allow the ordination of gay ministers in civil partnerships.
• Queen Elizabeth II surpasses her great-great-grandmother Queen Victoria as Britain's longest-reigning monarch
• Saudi Arabia elected women into office for the very first time. Five women won seats on local municipal councils. These five women were among the 7,000 candidates competing for 2,100 government seats across the country. Of the 7,000 candidates, 979 of them were women.
• Apparently Kim Kartrashidan broke the internet.  Not sure how.  
• Viola Davis gave an amazing winners speech.
• As did Nadiya Hussain.  
• Katie Cutler heard how a mugger viciously attacked disabled pensioner Alan Barnes on his doorstep she wanted to find a way to help. She set up an online donation page to raise £500, but a week later she was handing over a cheque for £330,000.
• Jamie Brewer is best known for her acting work - but in February she became the first person with Down's syndrome to walk the runway at New York Fashion Week. 
• Adele makes a phenomenal music comeback.  
• Noma Dumezweni is cast as Hermione Granger.  Some saw it as a controversial choice.  Everyone else applauded.  

So this was a long blog post.  The point is I wanted to say goodbye 2015.  You've been brilliant actually.  I'm sad to see you go.  I'm glad for the memories you've given me and I'm looking forward to those I'm going to make.  

xx

"You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve and chivalry Set Gryffindors apart"

'Hey, you ok.'
'Yeah, I'm fine.  You?'
'Fine'

These are the rules for the conversation.  It is only the elderly, the children and the drunk who break these rules.  To say anything other than fine immediately sets the other person with a sense of unease.  How do they respond to this?  Do they acknowledge it?  If it is better than fine they are boasting, if it is worse than fine then it is self-indulgent.  How does the conversation progress with the knowledge that the other person is not just 'fine'?

But there comes a time when you need to break the rules.  You need to stop saying 'fine' if you're not.  In my experience, it's one of the bravest things you can do.  You have to stand up and admit that everything is not alright.  You have to break down that brick wall, smash that glass ceiling, kick those demons who hold you back in the face.  Because if you carry on saying that you're fine how will you ever get better?

I had to be brave recently.  For the last few months the black dog has been scratching at my legs, eager to be taken out for a walk.  I feel sorry for it.  Depression is like an abusive partner, you can only see it looking after you.  Occasionally I'd slip and drop the mask, but it grew exhausting to the point where on Tuesday I burst into tears over absolutely nothing and had a panic attack on the way home.

On the Wednesday I got an appointment.  I told my Doctor that it felt like my medication was no longer working.  I ignored the snarling black dog biting at my hand trying to stop me from spilling the beans, trying to persuade me to tell the Doctor that everything is 'fine.'

Due to the high dosage of my medication, I'm going back to therapy before we try switching pills.  I haven't even begun yet and I'm already feeling better.  There is an insane weight off of my chest.  There is the promise of hope.  There is the relief that other people know that I am struggling at the moment and are there to support me if I stumble.

So to anyone who is struggling at the moment, to the people who are not 'fine', please, please be brave.  It is hard.  It is really hard, but it will only get harder the longer you leave it - trust me from experience.  When the next person asks if you are ok, tell them the truth.  Don't be afraid to say what you're feeling - it's not a weak thing to do, it's an incredibly strong thing to do.

If you want to get better you need to ask for help.

And there are more people than you think who are around to help you.  

(Including me)

xx

Giving up

There comes a time where you do have to give up your anti-depressants.  

It's something I've been talking about for a while.  Life has been pretty brilliant these past few months and so I felt ready to take the plunge into the journey of letting go.

But then a few weeks ago the black dog started doing more than sniffing at my heels.  It woke me up in the night, lying on my chest and trying to get my attention.  It piles my plate with food and makes me sick.  It paws at me constantly with reminders that I'm not good enough.

What strengthened the black dog is my reaction to its sudden growth.  For so long it had been docile and I was shocked and perturbed when it started to misbehave again.  Where has this come from?!

I know where.  The root of the problem was reawakened by the birth of a new family member and the overwhelming concern I have for her.  The general advice given to me is that I need to let go and let live.  My problem is that I'm stubborn and constantly out on a mission to fix the world.

The only thing I can do is pray.  I will pray for that babe until I am sure she's safe and well.  I will ignore the black dog and it will give up.

I've made it heel before.

So I made a change.  I dyed my hair.  Not had an overall positive reaction for it but it was a change I made for me and me alone.  I need to stop being me for a bit and return to myself when I feel well enough to again.  

Tomorrow I start my cover as Tinkerbell at Groombridge Place.  I am so excited!  

Genie, you're free

Today marks the years anniversary of Robin Williams death.

This time last year I took to this very blog and uploaded a picture of me standing on the table with the caption 'Captain, my Captain' in honour of this amazing performer.  I said at the time:

The demons in mental illness succeeded in taking away one of our best.  But that doesn't mean it will continue to.  If this great man inspired you as much as you say, then let his memory inspire you to seek help if you need it.  Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself stuck in a dark place.  You can have everything in the world and still feel empty - thinking about how fortunate you are compared to others isn't going to help - but seeking the right attention will.

Mental Illness and the stigma around it is still a massive issue.  In the general election every political party promised to do more but it was reported last month that £80m has been cut from the NHS mental health budget for children and adolescents in the past four years, including £35m in the last year alone.

It is a serious crisis.

Robin Williams was valued by many in life but demons drove him to his death.  I've looked through his best quotes on life and decided to think more about applying them in mine.

More often than not it's terrifying to speak up.  You may doubt yourself or fear the repercussions, but to keep quiet does you an even bigger disservice.  You deny yourself the right to an opinion and at the end of the day that's one of the few things that we actually have.  

I definitely identify with this.  As children we can choose to be a doctor/astronaut/hairstylist/pop princess and mermaid all at the same time.  When we get to adulthood we are introduced to the horrible reality that limits us.  What matters is how much we push those limits.  

Exactly as I said after the first quote, it is better to make a difference than to be a sheep.  Find your own way of thinking.  If you think that something is out of order - say so.  You will be loved for it.  

With every cloud comes a silver lining.  My bad experiences last year have made me value the good in this year.  I am glad to be alive.  

You are important.  You deserve to have a voice.  You were put on this Earth for a reason.  Do something about it.  

The spark of imagination (or madness) in an actor is so important and in my work I find that there are so many people without it!  Parents who introduce their children to be as an actor rather than the character I'm playing - have some imagination!  Encourage theirs!  

We also get to choose who we kick out.  It's hard.  Especially when they keep on coming back in, but we do have it in our control.  

This line is just beautiful.  

Unfortunately this amazing man who inspired so many was unable to see his own brilliance.  

People were left incredibly surprised when the news of his death broke.  Mental illness really can be invisible.  It's an abusive relationship.  It tells you that it loves you and that you're not good enough for anyone else - it convinces you to hide your pain from others.  

While our imagination can lead us to imagine devastating consequences, they all stem from an experience we already have.  Loss.  Rejection.  Isolation.  Pain.  

I would not wish suicidal thoughts on anyone.  It is the very opposite of human instinct.  It is physically painful.  

But sometimes death seems to be the only way forward.  It is simple.  It is pure.  It is the only certain thing that will happen to us.  

But to anyone who is considering that option, please remember the other one.  Life.  

Life is sometimes painful, sometimes numb and void of any meaning but sometimes life is beautiful.  

Someday you will wake up and be glad to be alive.  You will be glad that you gave yourself a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance and so on.  

Before Alice came to Wonderland she had to fall down a pretty large hole.  

You need rain as well as sun to make a rainbow.  

So while I remember Robin Williams today - this wonderful inspirational man, I will also remember to try and see the good in every day in his memory.  

We're discussing decreasing my medication as it may be causing other health problems.  I still have the odd episode but they are few and far between.  Yet I am still frightened to begin the process of weaning myself off of them, like a child learning to walk again, but I will be brave.  

Remember Robin Williams and all his infinite wisdom.  

Remember the value of your life.

Remember to live.  

Now we end on his words