"Without the birds I dare not think how I should have gone through the War at all"

'Extraordinary.'  The old man beside me breathed in wonder.  'Absolutely extraordinary.'  

'Yes.  I agree.'  His wife murmured.  'The detail is wonderful, the colours!  The art is beautiful.  Beautiful.'  

Are you kidding me?  I went to see the poppy display today and it definitely wasn't beautiful.  True, in these photographs the juxtaposition of the vibrant red against the grey stone walls does look really artistic, but when I looked down at those poppies I saw the hundreds of thousands of dead bodies that they represented.  I just wanted the poppies to stop.  I couldn't bear the fact that there were so many.  I didn't see a thing of beauty.  I saw one of horror.  

Tourists were milling around taking photos (selfies mainly) of them grinning next to this display, chatting enthusiastically about how they'll buy a poppy when an exhibition is done.  It was infuriating.  I wanted to scream at them that each poppy represented a dead person.  I wasn't being morbid!  I wasn't saying that we should all roll around and cry with grief, but I was astounded that it didn't give people more chills.

All the while I couldn't stop thinking about the political organisation 'Britain first'.  They are a Marmite group, you either love them or hate them and I fall into the latter category.  Their logo is an African lion.  The majority of them worship a man from Jerusalem, even the ones who don't get a symbol of him on their flag and Britain is from Latin terminology.  Since time began humans have been travelling around the world sharing their knowledge and moving forwards.  That's how we've had progress!  There would be so many things missing from our society today had it not been for the influence of other cultures.  

Why do we get offended if we learn that our children are going to learn about another faith at school?  Seriously, why?  They're being educated about another part of human life, what is the problem with that?  

Why are we so happy to spend £300 on a handbag but get absolutely outraged when it comes to sending foreign aid?  Where did this 'look after our own' attitude come from?  The only problem I have with sending money abroad is making sure it goes to the right people, but there are some who are quite happy to see thousands of people die just for being unlucky enough to be born in a corrupt country.  I wonder how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.  

Xenophobia is a very new thing.  Sure, we've always had our problems with the French - it's a long standing joke.  There have been problems with racism in the past.  But this passionate hatred for change and other cultures is new.  If you do your proper thorough research, you'll see that our history is threaded so much with immigration and they loved it.  There's a reason why the May Day Riot of the medieval times has always been known as 'Evil'.  

All of these poppies represent someone who died in The Great War.  It's often said that they died fighting for their country.  But they died for a reason far sadder than that.  They were fighting against a group of people who were more concerned with taking power and conquering rather than living peacefully and learning from one another.  Years later their descendants died fighting racists.  So don't lecture me on British pride and wear your poppy if you're going to be so intolerant of other human beings.

I then got emotional coming across this grave.  One of my idols, Queen Anne Boleyn.  Seriously, I teared up.  422 (if my maths is right) years later and she still has a girl getting weepy by her grave.  I then stood by where her scaffold was built all the time just thinking of what it would be like knowing that you were about to be murdered on the orders if your love and the father of your child.  

When we got tired of being morbid, we moved over to The Globe.  I'm studying Elizabethan Theatre at the moment so this was fantastic.  I walked around there praying to God that one day I'd get to perform on that stage.  

But the thought of all those poppies didn't leave me.  So I ask this of anyone who has managed to get to the end of this blog.  Please, be more compassionate.  We have lost so much of that.  

Onwards and upwards

xx

Don't you ever stop dreaming. You can be anyone you want to be.

Winds in the east / Mist coming in / Like something is brewing / About to begin / Can't put me finger / On what lies in store / But I feel what's to happen / All happened before.

Mary Poppins is the very enemy of whimsy and sentiment. She's truthful. She doesn't sugarcoat the darkness in the world that these children will eventually, inevitably come to know. She prepares them for it. She deals in honesty.   

The older I've got, the more I have come to adore Mary Poppins.  Of course, I am incredibly whimsy and sentimental, but I am growing eternally grateful for her firmness and no nonsense attitude.  She came flying back down into my life as I was watching Saving Mr. Banks and gave me a good shake.  

Much like P.L Travers in the film, I have a big problem with forgiveness.  Particularly when it comes to forgiving myself.  Instead I prefer to nurture it and let it fester away.  It's something so human that we all do, but it also has horrible consequences; and I want to stop those consequences.  

There's no greater joy than that seen through the eyes of a child, and there's a little bit of a child in all of us.

I spent my weekend helping at at the most recent Showbiz show.  Helping out.  Not performing.  It was bizarre.  I kept on hearing all this familiar music and every time my thought was, 'SHIT!  I'm supposed to be on stage!  Oh....yeah....'  Anyway, it made me feel very conflicting emotions.  I was ecstatic to be back, overwhelmed by pride and also full of sorrow that I couldn't join in!!  This morning I just wanted to stay in bed so I could go back in time to when I was so happy, but a disapproving tut from Mary Poppins got me out pretty quickly.  I can't go back to being a child.  As much as I want to jump up and down and scream 'I won't grow up!  I won't!'  I can't do that.  But that doesn't mean I have to get rid of the child in me.  

I have these things to think about: My family, my loved ones, my education, my future.  

The negative stuff is being taken out of my toy box.  

They makes cages of all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of them

 I hate waking up and having down days.  I think some people are under the impression I enjoy them, but that couldn't be any further from the truth.  Why would you enjoy days where getting out of bed is terrifying?  Where having a shower and getting dressed is a struggle?  Now I'm focusing on remembering the practicality of Mary Poppins.  Her attitude of 'spit spot' even if you don't even feel capable of moving a muscle.  Some days will be harder than others, but every day that I get through will be another victory.

But there is one thing I am determined to always believe.  No matter what, there is always hope.  

What did I tell ya? There's the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps.

Today I realised that I've closed my chapter on you.  If your character reappears it is at your choice and not mine.  I could spend time thinking about how much I want you in this book, but thinking of things of which I have no control makes me unhappy so I'm going to stop.  I've spent months thinking about your happiness, and now I'm going to start thinking about my own.  I wish you every joy in the world.  

Thank you Mary Poppins for giving me a kick up the arse.  

Goodbye, Mary Poppins, don't stay away too long.

I let go of the pole

So yes that still basically sums up my feelings at the moment.  But I'm working on kicking through that.  

Last time I posted was last week when I said that I wanted to do an Inverted Crucifix, so I was very frustrated when I got to pole and found that I was struggling to get upside down.  I was strong enough.  I had enough stamina.  What I was struggling with was the fear of going upside down.  

It was very irritating.  I knew I could do it but whenever I started to get there I'd freak out and go back in to safety mode.  

Now in life I've had such problems before.  Really wanting to achieve new things and push myself but having a mental block that keeps me down.  So I try and remember the best things to do in these situations; and as soon as my mind wanders I flip upside down and do it.  

I guess I had the power all along.  

Onwards and upwards.  

xx

When in doubt, pull a silly face.

On Sunday 5th of January in the afternoon when I was on my lunch hour at work, I found myself in tears on the phone to my best friend because I was back on that bridge again, terrified because I wasn't in control, still haunted by the idea of ending it all for what I often believe to be the greater good.

Thank God she answered her phone.  Thank God she knew what to do.  Because today I managed to do this

And so I'm feeling very pleased with myself!  

This isn't a post about me getting sympathy or anything.  It's a post for me.  It's a post for me to look back on and be proud of because I was in a black spot, but I managed to retain just enough of me to scramble back up again and I spent my week forcing myself up, forcing myself out of bed and forcing myself to live.  

It's been exhausting.  There have been times where I've wanted to give up just because I am so tired of this wave of sadness that keeps on hitting me, but I can't give up.  I have so many more goals to set myself.  My most recent goal was to get upside down on a pole.  Now it's to get upside down on a pole with no hands holding on.  Small steps.  Little goals.  

Onwards and upwards.