“The door', replied Maimie, 'will always, always be open, and mother will always be waiting at it for me.”

I'm not sure how to start this.  As you can see, this is a bear, a bear who has spent over a decade trapped in a cupboard getting dirty and never played with.  For someone who creates emotions in every object, it is highly unusual that I have neglected this bear so.  But I have.  And I cannot play with this bear now - not just because I'm nearly twenty, but also because just looking at it makes me feel how I first received it all those years ago.

I don't know if anyone else can ever really understand this, but I'll do my best to explain anyway. As a child, my grandparents on my Dad's side were more or less constantly in America visiting my cousins.  Being quite perceptive, I'd noticed favouritism from a very early age - not so much from my Granddad but definitely from my Grandmother.  As a result I was really quite resentful of my cousins - particularly the one closest in age to me who seemed to be the epitome of perfection as a grandchild.  Personally, I couldn't see it, but each to their own.

Anyway, it was unusual for my grandparents trips away to be quite spontaneous and often at the expense of something that I was doing i.e. Birthdays, Christmases, Plays - you get the picture.  Even if I hadn't had much planned, it still would have been nice to see them once in a while.  This particular trip happened during something that I was doing (I have no idea what, but I remember wanting them to be there) and almost as a consolation prize this bear was sent in the post.  Just a normal little bear with I <3 New York on its chest.  Call me over dramatic, but even at that age in my head I added in the tagline 'More than I love Marie'.

I burst into tears.  Mum knew what was up straight away.  She hugged me.  Without me even needing to say my fears, she assured me that they weren't true.  It was from that day onwards that I began to collect other reasons as to why my grandparents didn't love me as much as they loved their other grandchildren.  The main one that kept on rearing its ugly head was the fact that I was a girl and they hadn't wanted a granddaughter - I still believe this, though Mum insists that it is the very fact that I am a girl that I got a look in at all.

So, anyway.  I've packed away the photos of us all in a box.  Maybe one day I'll look at them again.  The pillow that I couldn't sleep without as a child that my Grandmother had made for me will go to Katie, and this little bear will go to you.  I hope that you can cherish it.  I hope that you always stay loved.  But I also hope that you stand up for yourself when you need to - though I can't promise love will still be there if you do.