There are five stages of grief, and five responses that I'd like to give you for all of this.
Number 1) Denial. This is the part where I say that everything can return to how it was, nothing need change. Or if change is necessary, then I will hide myself out of the way. Denial also arrives when other people tell me what a jackass you are, I defend you. I pity you. I keep your secrets quiet because you asked me to. I think that if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, I can fix everything.
Number 2) Anger. This is a fun one. It's the one I'm feeling now actually. It's the one where I want to say FUCK YOU. You said you cared about me, and then you roll over and let the mud be thrown at me just because it's convenient for you. How dare you make out like you're such a sweetie when you're absolutely vile. The things I have heard from other girls makes me absolutely astonished that people like you even still exist. The stuff that comes out of your mouth is only to make you look good and make others like you - even if it means hurting someone. Why did I stick up for you? What is stopping me from revealing everything?
Number 3) Bargaining. This one came at the beginning really. I thought I'd change a major part of my life, just to convenience you. Thankfully, when I came up with my genius plans - other people wouldn't let me go through with them.
Number 4) Depression. Well, I have this clinically anyway but this still didn't help. Don't get too happy though, the scars aren't for you. I absolutely hated myself. I wanted to punish myself for ruining your life. There was no one I hated more than myself. I was devastated that I had caused a friend pain. I missed you as well. Little things really.
Number 5) Acceptance. This is a tricky one. I'm not quite there yet. I don't like being made out to be a whore. I don't like lies being made up about me. But don't worry, sunshine - I won't be spilling all your secrets, I'm rising above that, I just want you to remember that had I not stuck up for you the way that I did, you'd be in a far worse position.
I spent ages writing and rewriting apology letters, hate letters, friendly letters but I could never send them. When I tried sending a text it was too big and wouldn't send - God was probably intervening there and telling me you're not worth it.
The truth is, I feel absolutely betrayed. I confided in you that I struggle accepting people and trusting them, you got me to trust you, and now it's all gone so horribly wrong even though our last contact was positive and you were friendly. I guess I have to suppose it's because you didn't want me revealing anything.
I've tried to keep this as vague as possible, but a load of you geniuses out there will easily be able to tell who I'm on about. Some of you already know my side of the story. Some of you helped me claw my way back from the gutter. And if you're reading this and you know it's directed at you, then I ask you one question.
Why?
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