Which is kind of annoying really seeing as I would say that my moods have been improving recently with the increased dose of medication. I've felt more inspired to do things, (doing them is a different kettle of fish), I've been able to think clearly at times and most importantly I haven't felt nearly as anxious.
Now, black dog is wagging its tail and looking at me hopefully looking for a stroke. It looks so friendly and welcoming in its own twisted way, purely because it is something familiar. 'I'm the only one who will ever love you.' It's hard to ignore something that keeps on pawing at you like that.
There are things that I can do though. I'm learning to recognize what happens before black dog comes and takes over. Then, when I feel that about to happen, I go out for a run. Black dogs are seriously lazy, if you run away from it they can't be bothered to catch up, they much prefer for you to stay in bed all day.
When the black dog reminds you of the bad things, try and think of the good things that came of that - even if there are really random and far fetched.
Watch the eating pattern. Black dog enjoys over-indulging, throwing up and starving. But it's you who is in control of your body.
I often feel very guilty for being sick. You see the adverts of children dying in Africa, or parents who have lost their children, people who are homeless, soldiers and their families - genuine traumas. And then there's me. Feeling....well, feeling nothing really. Devoid of anything most of the time. If they can find the time to be happy, then why can't I?
But I'm changing that way of thinking. We cannot help our emotions, even if they do seem out of place. And when Mental Illness hits you, it's not something you can just put down again. It eats at you and you need time to repair. And that's ok.
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