May the 4th

May the 4th be with you

And also with you

It's a Catholic joke.

Today is Alice in Wonderland day.  The day she fell down the rabbit hole.  One of my favourite quotes that I often find myself using in times of trouble is 'Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall down a pretty dark hole.'  It feels like I'm still falling down mine.  I get flashes of Wonderland.  I can watch people through picture frames.  I can feel its warmth, but more often than not I still feel like I'm on a journey to get to where everyone else is.

Here is a list of things I can't do:

• Go up to  a stranger and strike up a conversation
• Go up to an acquaintance and strike up a conversation
• Feel comfortable leading a conversation with a friend/friends
• Make friends easily
• Maintain friendships easily
• Feel confident that the friends I do have are there for me because they want to be instead of being paid by my parents,  (It's an irrational thought that popped into my head some years ago and never left)
• Go out and stay sober because I know that I am enough without alcohol.  

The list does go on.  But here's a list of the things that I can do:

• I can talk to a child and make them feel like they are the most important person in the world.
• I can listen to you at any time you need me
• I can offer advice.  Advice that I very seldom follow, but it is good advice and you should follow it
• I can mediate between people
• I can give you an inspiring boost about yourself whenever you need one
• I can do random little things to try and cheer you up

That list probably goes on as well.  

It can be so hard when you struggle with self-esteem to have the confidence to go to people and make friends.  But I really do try very hard.  I am the kind of person who desperately seeks approval even though it is detrimental to my health.  If someone reacts badly against me I run in absolute fear until I am given permission to approach again, because that is what I have learned works in the past.  And when someone reacts badly against me, I run because I turn fifteen years old again and honestly don't know how to cope.  Anything bad that happens always results in me turning fifteen.  It's a loop I'm not sure how to get out of.  

So I'm not perfect.  As much as I want to be.  As much as I beat myself up for not being perfect.
But I am always trying.