The harsh reality

'Haha it's my OCD coming out'

'I was happy two seconds ago, I must be bipolar'

'I swear my mum must be a schizo' 

'I didn't get those Ed Sheeran tickets, so depressed right now'

But would we say things like:

'I want to gourge myself on chocolate, I'm so diabetic'

'I'm all rolls in this dress, must have cancer'

'I don't like strobe lighting.  Sometimes I'm epileptic' 

'Cba to get out of bed.  It's the same as being paralysed'

No?  So why do we trivialise mental illness?

An easy explanation is that mental illness is seen as desirable.  It makes you cute, quirky even.  When Suicide Squad was released, couples jumped straight on the Harley Quinn and Joker bandwagon.  They didn't care about the dysfunctional relationship, they were just so desperate to see themselves in these insane characters.  It becomes easier to do that when you label yourself with BPD or PTSD.  It became more than just a joke, it was a desire to be suffering with the same mental demons.  

Mental illness is not cute.  It is not quirky.  It does not make you any more desirable.  And it definitely should not be used as a get out clause for any bad behaviour you decide to indulge in.  It is not glamorous.  

Today I sat on the kitchen floor whilst having a panic attack.  I screamed until I threw up all over myself and then lay on the floor until my Mum came home to pick up the pieces.  Nothing about that scenario screamed fun or cute to me.  

So the next time you start to mention a mental illness, stop for a minute to make sure that you are saying it for the right reason.  Mental illness needs to be talked about, but only for the right reasons.  There is already such a stigma that any trivialisation sends us right back.  

If you are suffering, if you are struggling then do seek help.  Talk to a doctor, a family member or a friend.  But try not to self diagnose on Google, it will only end up telling you that you're a psychopath with an inclination to murder, which understandably will terrify you and make everything so much worse.  

May the 4th

May the 4th be with you

And also with you

It's a Catholic joke.

Today is Alice in Wonderland day.  The day she fell down the rabbit hole.  One of my favourite quotes that I often find myself using in times of trouble is 'Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall down a pretty dark hole.'  It feels like I'm still falling down mine.  I get flashes of Wonderland.  I can watch people through picture frames.  I can feel its warmth, but more often than not I still feel like I'm on a journey to get to where everyone else is.

Here is a list of things I can't do:

• Go up to  a stranger and strike up a conversation
• Go up to an acquaintance and strike up a conversation
• Feel comfortable leading a conversation with a friend/friends
• Make friends easily
• Maintain friendships easily
• Feel confident that the friends I do have are there for me because they want to be instead of being paid by my parents,  (It's an irrational thought that popped into my head some years ago and never left)
• Go out and stay sober because I know that I am enough without alcohol.  

The list does go on.  But here's a list of the things that I can do:

• I can talk to a child and make them feel like they are the most important person in the world.
• I can listen to you at any time you need me
• I can offer advice.  Advice that I very seldom follow, but it is good advice and you should follow it
• I can mediate between people
• I can give you an inspiring boost about yourself whenever you need one
• I can do random little things to try and cheer you up

That list probably goes on as well.  

It can be so hard when you struggle with self-esteem to have the confidence to go to people and make friends.  But I really do try very hard.  I am the kind of person who desperately seeks approval even though it is detrimental to my health.  If someone reacts badly against me I run in absolute fear until I am given permission to approach again, because that is what I have learned works in the past.  And when someone reacts badly against me, I run because I turn fifteen years old again and honestly don't know how to cope.  Anything bad that happens always results in me turning fifteen.  It's a loop I'm not sure how to get out of.  

So I'm not perfect.  As much as I want to be.  As much as I beat myself up for not being perfect.
But I am always trying.