20 years

I sometimes feel like I should have born into the pages of a book.

A book that I could easily fall into is, of course, the wizarding world of Harry Potter.  Not that I took to it right away.  When given a copy at the age of five, I was put off by the bespectacled man on the front cover with the funny looking face.  At that time I was far more interested in pursuing my dreams of being a mermaid than a book about a man getting on a train.  Luckily, that disinterest did not last long and soon I was hooked.

“Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.” 

I devoured the pages of this marvellous new world.  Like many other children, I was desperate for my Hogwarts letter, desperate to meet my favourite characters and desperate to live within the pages.  While others eventually grew out of Harry Potter, I clung on.  J.K Rowling wrote 3 main distinctive characters who were all, in one way or another, lonely despite all the people around them.  I felt like I could identify with that.

"We could have been killed.  Or worse, expelled."

Hermione Granger became my idol.  She wasn't pretty, but never seemed to care.  She had far better qualities.  When Emma Watson was cast in the role, my Hermione Granger costume now included me drawing my eyebrows on with black eyeliner.  It did not look good.

But one of the greatest things Rowling did was give such a moving metaphor for depression.  The dementors made everything clearer, easier to explain to those who did not understand.  One of my coping mechanisms now is conjuring my own patronus in my mind.

In her children's books, Rowling taught us tolerance and empathy.  Be it for the ostracised Remus Lupin, the tormented Nevile Longbottom or those whose blood was not seen as 'pure',  These were all small introductions into the injustices of the big wide world.  Evidently she did something right as a 2014 study showed that those who had grown up reading Harry Potter were more likely to be tolerant and less likely to be biased against minority groups.

Another clever thing Rowling did was to make her characters so much more than stereotypes of good and evil.  She identified that we can't keep telling children that everything is black and white.  The heroes of the story aren't all good, just as the villains aren't all bad.  Apart from Umbridge.  She's just awful.

As I've gotten older,  Rowling has held onto her place as my literary hero, but also claimed the spot on my social media hero.  Her straight talking comments on the world are gold, and I agree with about 9 and 3/4 of them.

So happy 20th anniversary, Jo.  Thank you for giving us all such a wonderful gift.  One of these days I'll summon my Gryffindor courage to message you directly, but for now this will do.

As Alan Rickman said "It is an ancient need to be told in stories.  But the story needs a great storyteller."

I leave you with some of my favourites, from books and films.  

And the greatest one of all

The harsh reality

'Haha it's my OCD coming out'

'I was happy two seconds ago, I must be bipolar'

'I swear my mum must be a schizo' 

'I didn't get those Ed Sheeran tickets, so depressed right now'

But would we say things like:

'I want to gourge myself on chocolate, I'm so diabetic'

'I'm all rolls in this dress, must have cancer'

'I don't like strobe lighting.  Sometimes I'm epileptic' 

'Cba to get out of bed.  It's the same as being paralysed'

No?  So why do we trivialise mental illness?

An easy explanation is that mental illness is seen as desirable.  It makes you cute, quirky even.  When Suicide Squad was released, couples jumped straight on the Harley Quinn and Joker bandwagon.  They didn't care about the dysfunctional relationship, they were just so desperate to see themselves in these insane characters.  It becomes easier to do that when you label yourself with BPD or PTSD.  It became more than just a joke, it was a desire to be suffering with the same mental demons.  

Mental illness is not cute.  It is not quirky.  It does not make you any more desirable.  And it definitely should not be used as a get out clause for any bad behaviour you decide to indulge in.  It is not glamorous.  

Today I sat on the kitchen floor whilst having a panic attack.  I screamed until I threw up all over myself and then lay on the floor until my Mum came home to pick up the pieces.  Nothing about that scenario screamed fun or cute to me.  

So the next time you start to mention a mental illness, stop for a minute to make sure that you are saying it for the right reason.  Mental illness needs to be talked about, but only for the right reasons.  There is already such a stigma that any trivialisation sends us right back.  

If you are suffering, if you are struggling then do seek help.  Talk to a doctor, a family member or a friend.  But try not to self diagnose on Google, it will only end up telling you that you're a psychopath with an inclination to murder, which understandably will terrify you and make everything so much worse.  

May the 4th

May the 4th be with you

And also with you

It's a Catholic joke.

Today is Alice in Wonderland day.  The day she fell down the rabbit hole.  One of my favourite quotes that I often find myself using in times of trouble is 'Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall down a pretty dark hole.'  It feels like I'm still falling down mine.  I get flashes of Wonderland.  I can watch people through picture frames.  I can feel its warmth, but more often than not I still feel like I'm on a journey to get to where everyone else is.

Here is a list of things I can't do:

• Go up to  a stranger and strike up a conversation
• Go up to an acquaintance and strike up a conversation
• Feel comfortable leading a conversation with a friend/friends
• Make friends easily
• Maintain friendships easily
• Feel confident that the friends I do have are there for me because they want to be instead of being paid by my parents,  (It's an irrational thought that popped into my head some years ago and never left)
• Go out and stay sober because I know that I am enough without alcohol.  

The list does go on.  But here's a list of the things that I can do:

• I can talk to a child and make them feel like they are the most important person in the world.
• I can listen to you at any time you need me
• I can offer advice.  Advice that I very seldom follow, but it is good advice and you should follow it
• I can mediate between people
• I can give you an inspiring boost about yourself whenever you need one
• I can do random little things to try and cheer you up

That list probably goes on as well.  

It can be so hard when you struggle with self-esteem to have the confidence to go to people and make friends.  But I really do try very hard.  I am the kind of person who desperately seeks approval even though it is detrimental to my health.  If someone reacts badly against me I run in absolute fear until I am given permission to approach again, because that is what I have learned works in the past.  And when someone reacts badly against me, I run because I turn fifteen years old again and honestly don't know how to cope.  Anything bad that happens always results in me turning fifteen.  It's a loop I'm not sure how to get out of.  

So I'm not perfect.  As much as I want to be.  As much as I beat myself up for not being perfect.
But I am always trying.