Saturday, 24 September 2016

An awfully big adventure

The other day I felt suicidal.

Somehow in my trance I managed to get out my phone and write how I was feeling.  Looking back now it is an odd blur and ramble, but I think it's still important for me to acknowledge.

These pills are my comfort
These pills are my friends
3 a day to keep the bad guys at bay
Who else is out there?
No human connection
No human communication that I understand
So I get angry, and political at the world's mistakes
to fill this empty feeling in my head
I'm struggling to stay safe
I need conversation
I need to explain
But the labels are insulting
and I will get the blame
I want a reassuring word
that's genuine and pure
I don't want someone telling me to get better
when they don't have the cure
Depression's like a blanket
It comforts then it smothers
Don't tell me to get rid of it
when you'll leave me in the cold
Depression is security
you know it'll never leave you
It'll be by your side forever
the friend you crave but not the friend you need
Depression is a selfish lover
though it tricks you otherwise
You fall in love with its darkness
unable to see through the disguise
Depressions not just black and blue
It's exciting purple
burning orange
and yellow like a flame
It's not just feeling sad and tired
It's a far more complicated game
It's emptiness and feeling full
It's grief and it's elation
It's loving and hatred rolled into one
It's anger and frustration
So I turn to my friends, these pills
to keep the monsters at bay
They're my knights in shining armour
they won't ever go away
They will never leave 
because the monster returns
Taps you on the shoulder and says hello
It's polite and charming
completely disarming
as it captivates your soul


The long story short is that I think that I'm okay now.  Thoughts of death aren't quite so prominent in my mind.  So that's a good thing.  Tick.  And reading back on this now, I'm hoping that maybe the next time it gets bad, I'll be able to do something similar rather than doing the worst.  

Because there will be a next time.  I don't want there to be.  But I can't see it being so easy so quickly.  

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