Auld Lang Syne

As 2016 draws to a close, for many quite thankfully, I thought I'd take the time just to acknowledge old times past.

2016 has been a merry go round for me personally, I've given up anti-depressants and I've come back on anti-depressants.  But from the people that we've lost this year, I'm going to look and see what I wisdom I can take from them into the New Year.


David Bowie - 8 January 1947 – 10 January 2016

Alan Rickman - 21 February 1946 – 14 January 2016 - He first came to my attention as Severus Snape in the Harry Potter films and consequently served as a big inspiration for my acting.  Alan Rickman was the ultimate master of detail.

Terry Wogan - 3 August 1938 – 31 January 2016

Ronnie Corbett - 4 December 1930 – 31 March 2016

Victoria Wood - 19 May 1953 – 20 April 2016 - Victoria Wood, the talented writer and actress, was a massive inspiration to me as a child when there still weren't many female comedians.

Prince - June 7, 1958 – April 21, 2016

Muhammed Ali - January 17, 1942 – June 3, 2016

Caroline Aherne - 24 December 1963 – 2 July 2016

Gene Wilder - June 11, 1933 – August 29, 2016

Leonard Cohen - September 21, 1934 – November 7, 2016

Andrew Sachs - 7 April 1930 – 23 November 2016

Liz Smith - 11 December 1921 – 24 December 2016

George Michael - 25 June 1963 – 25 December 2016

Carrie Fisher - October 21, 1956 – December 27, 2016

Debbie Reynolds - April 1, 1932 – December 28, 2016

2016 also seems to have been the year of questionable decisions.  brexit and trump just to address the elephants in the room.  No matter the reasoning behind these votes, intolerance and bullying has risen drastically in the wake of these decisions.  People no longer feel welcome in their homes.  How can we profess to being so far ahead when this still can be allowed to happen?

But good things happened as well.

1. New chemotherapy breakthroughs have increased the 5-year survival for pancreatic cancer from 16% to 27% (and is getting better)
2. Child mortality is down everywhere and it keeps going down.
3. Tiger, manatees and panda numbers are growing.  
4. The ozone layer is repairing itself
5. A new therapy developed in Israel could cure radiation sickness.
6. The Anglican church resolved to solemnize same-sex unions the same as opposite-sex unions which required a super majority of all three orders of the church
7. An Afghan teacher has been delivering books via bicycle to villages that lack schools
8. Over 800 Boko Harem Hostages were rescued by Nigerian Army
9. Leonardo Di Caprio won an Oscar
10. We're back in the Wizarding World once more
11. A peace deal has been reached in Columbia
12. Sri Lanka is now maleria free
13. Andy Murray won at Wimbledon
14. We're getting closer to curing HIV
15. Paris Climate Change Agreement came into force

I don't know if I'll make any New Years Resolutions.  I'm not very good at keeping them.  I know that I'd like to get skinny and happy and make lots of friends, but at the moment I'm focusing on getting out of bed each day and getting dressed.  Baby steps.  

An awfully big adventure

The other day I felt suicidal.

Somehow in my trance I managed to get out my phone and write how I was feeling.  Looking back now it is an odd blur and ramble, but I think it's still important for me to acknowledge.

These pills are my comfort

These pills are my friends

3 a day to keep the bad guys at bay

Who else is out there?

No human connection

No human communication that I understand

So I get angry, and political at the world's mistakes

to fill this empty feeling in my head

I'm struggling to stay safe

I need conversation
I need to explain

But the labels are insulting

and I will get the blame

I want a reassuring word

that's genuine and pure

I don't want someone telling me to get better

when they don't have the cure

Depression's like a blanket

It comforts then it smothers

Don't tell me to get rid of it

when you'll leave me in the cold

Depression is security

you know it'll never leave you
It'll be by your side forever

the friend you crave but not the friend you need

Depression is a selfish lover

though it tricks you otherwise

You fall in love with its darkness

unable to see through the disguise

Depressions not just black and blue

It's exciting purple

burning orange

and yellow like a flame

It's not just feeling sad and tired

It's a far more complicated game

It's emptiness and feeling full

It's grief and it's elation

It's loving and hatred rolled into one

It's anger and frustration

So I turn to my friends, these pills

to keep the monsters at bay

They're my knights in shining armour

they won't ever go away

They will never leave 

because the monster returns

Taps you on the shoulder and says hello

It's polite and charming

completely disarming

as it captivates your soul

The long story short is that I think that I'm okay now.  Thoughts of death aren't quite so prominent in my mind.  So that's a good thing.  Tick.  And reading back on this now, I'm hoping that maybe the next time it gets bad, I'll be able to do something similar rather than doing the worst.  

Because there will be a next time.  I don't want there to be.  But I can't see it being so easy so quickly.  

Down the Rabbit Hole

I've not blogged in a very long time.

As a result I'm a bit of a loss as what to say.  I'm a bit of a loss with what to do with myself at all really.

It's like feeling completely empty.  All the things I set aside for myself to do today have completely evaporated.  I've done what you're supposed to do.  Write a colourful list with pens at the ready to tick off your tasks when you finish them with enormous satisfaction.  But the trouble is I don't really feel too much at the moment.  I look at the list and I look at it some more.  I start one of the things, but nothing sinks in.  I breathe, take a moment and try again but it's like smacking my head against a glass wall.  I can see what I need to do clearly enough, but it's just not happening.

So I'm blogging in an attempt of working things out.  Do I continue to bash my head against this glass wall?  Surely it will smash eventually?  Or do I admit that today is a bad day and resign myself to just a quiet time where I don't have to think about being myself at all?

I look at my little sister with envy.  She's asked me if I'm okay a few times and I've responded with the correct response 'I'm fine'.  She's happily painting and chattering about anything and everything.  Her current idea to get her paintings to dry quicker is pointing a toy hairdryer at it.  She may be there a while.  I wouldn't even know how to begin to explain to her that the big sister she worships feels numb and going down a black hole.

I said that I'm not feeling anything.  But the truth is I do.  Fear.  Terror at my own existence.  Which may make no sense to you, as my own existence is all I have ever known; but that that's why I went into acting.  Escapism.

I'm looking at old photographs to try and evoke some kind of positivity.  But I don't recognise anyone, not even myself.  I think of a story to write but a loud voice screams that I can't do it and smacks me round the head leaving a ringing in my ears.  The same loud voice comes back for anything else, piano playing, guitar playing, colouring in - the list continues.  It taunts me when I try to learn the new material for work, the only way to shut it up, it seems, is to not do anything at all.

Mental illness is a horrible thing to explain to people.  For some reason if you tell someone that your blood sugars are all over the place because of diabetes - they can accept it even if they haven't experienced it.  If you tell someone that you have little demons in your brain that pop out every now and again to control your head, they go one of three ways.  The first of course is supportive and just what you need.  The second is to dismiss any notion of mental illness - it's attention-seeking etc. They see any form of mental illness as a weakness in character.  The third type is the suddenly proclaimed (but well-meaning) doctor.  They'll lecture you on how you don't need medication - what you need is a good colouring in book or to look at pictures of animals.  Instead of counselling you can listen to music, have a bath or go for a walk.  They don't often appreciate that it can be too scary to go outside.
I blog about this not to try and dwell on things.  It helps my own logical brain come out past all the blaagh.  It's like putting together a puzzle for me.  I acknowledge my sadness.  I let myself feel negative emotions that you're not actually supposed to feel.  Writing them down allows me to work out why I feel them and see if there's a pattern.

When I feel like this a quote always comes to mind and today I'm going to cling onto it.

'Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall down a pretty deep hole.'

Stars Look Down

While my own little demons of the mind are nestled ready for bed, I thought I'd take the time to think about the other demons of the world.

Recently there was a great tragedy in Brussels.  The people who were behind the attacks look to weaken us.  They look to destroy us.  When the smoke and rubble has cleared they look to see a group of broken people.

But I've been seeing (and experiencing) something different.  Solidarity.  Each attack hurts.  But it only makes us stronger.  We stand together against these people.  We know they want us to crumble and we won't give them the satisfaction.

The only thing that will weaken us is discord amongst our own people.  Those who fight the wrong enemy.  The ones who blame an entire race or Religion rather than looking at the real problem.

During this time the same song has been playing in my head.  I think the lyrics are rather fitting:

(Sing along.  You know you want to).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qofey9Id5hY


Through the dark, and through the hunger
Through the night and through the fear
Through the fight and years of hardship
Through the storms and through the tears 
And although your feet are weary, 
And although your soul is worn
And although they'll try to break you,
And although you'll feel alone
We will always stand together
In the dark, right through the storm.
We will stand, shoulder to shoulder
To keep us warm.
And the stars look down on the mean and hungry
And the stars look down and show the way
And the stars look down and we'll stand together
To see a day
When the stars look down and know our history
When the stars look down upon our past 
And the stars look down and see a future bright at last
When we'll stand as one, beneath the sun
And though our hands are bruised and bleeding
And our lungs are full with dust
And our hearts are near to breaking
We will never forgo the trust
We will fight through pain and hunger
Every arrow, every knife.
And we will never give the hope up
Of a proud and honest life
So we will always stand together
Through the frost, the hail, the snow
The stars are our redemption
And some know.
The stars look down when we're abandoned,
Look down in the heart of night
And the stars look down and give us vision
To see the light.
The stars look down upon our struggle
The stars look down and know the past
The stars look down and see a future bright at last
When we'll stand as one, beneath the sun.
All out together
All out as one
All out for victory
Till we've won.
All out together
All out as one
All out for victory
All out till we've won
Take me up and hold me gently
Raise me up and hold me high
Through the nights under darkness
Will come a day whet we will fly
And although we've been rejected
And although we've been outcast
We will find a new tomorrow
When we come to rest at last
And we will stand there proudly
And we will never walk alone
And we will be returned
Back to our home
And the stars look down at their reflection
And the stars look down and there's a light
When the stars look down they'll see the justice
And the right
And the stars look down and see the struggle
And the stars look down and know the pain
And the stars will lead us back to where light shines again
Where we'll stand as one beneath the sun
One beneath the sun
When we stand as one
All out together,
When we stand as one all out as one,
When we stand as one all out for victory,
When we stand as one till we've won.
When we stand as one all out together,
When we stand as one all out as one,
When we stand as one all out for victory,
When we stand as one till we've won
When we stand as one all out together,
When we stand as one all out as one,
When we stand as one all out for victory,
All out till we've won.


Maybe someday soon I'll start to apply this theory to my own demons.

2016 Resolutions

1) Write my biography on Anne Boleyn
2) Save up enough money to go to Florida!
3) Lose weight
4) Adopt a healthier lifestyle
5) Start to appreciate the little things in life more
6) Start playing the guitar again
7) Get back on the pole
8) Learn more songs in Gaelic