Giving up

There comes a time where you do have to give up your anti-depressants.  

It's something I've been talking about for a while.  Life has been pretty brilliant these past few months and so I felt ready to take the plunge into the journey of letting go.

But then a few weeks ago the black dog started doing more than sniffing at my heels.  It woke me up in the night, lying on my chest and trying to get my attention.  It piles my plate with food and makes me sick.  It paws at me constantly with reminders that I'm not good enough.

What strengthened the black dog is my reaction to its sudden growth.  For so long it had been docile and I was shocked and perturbed when it started to misbehave again.  Where has this come from?!

I know where.  The root of the problem was reawakened by the birth of a new family member and the overwhelming concern I have for her.  The general advice given to me is that I need to let go and let live.  My problem is that I'm stubborn and constantly out on a mission to fix the world.

The only thing I can do is pray.  I will pray for that babe until I am sure she's safe and well.  I will ignore the black dog and it will give up.

I've made it heel before.

So I made a change.  I dyed my hair.  Not had an overall positive reaction for it but it was a change I made for me and me alone.  I need to stop being me for a bit and return to myself when I feel well enough to again.  

Tomorrow I start my cover as Tinkerbell at Groombridge Place.  I am so excited!  

Genie, you're free

Today marks the years anniversary of Robin Williams death.

This time last year I took to this very blog and uploaded a picture of me standing on the table with the caption 'Captain, my Captain' in honour of this amazing performer.  I said at the time:

The demons in mental illness succeeded in taking away one of our best.  But that doesn't mean it will continue to.  If this great man inspired you as much as you say, then let his memory inspire you to seek help if you need it.  Remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself stuck in a dark place.  You can have everything in the world and still feel empty - thinking about how fortunate you are compared to others isn't going to help - but seeking the right attention will.

Mental Illness and the stigma around it is still a massive issue.  In the general election every political party promised to do more but it was reported last month that £80m has been cut from the NHS mental health budget for children and adolescents in the past four years, including £35m in the last year alone.

It is a serious crisis.

Robin Williams was valued by many in life but demons drove him to his death.  I've looked through his best quotes on life and decided to think more about applying them in mine.

More often than not it's terrifying to speak up.  You may doubt yourself or fear the repercussions, but to keep quiet does you an even bigger disservice.  You deny yourself the right to an opinion and at the end of the day that's one of the few things that we actually have.  

I definitely identify with this.  As children we can choose to be a doctor/astronaut/hairstylist/pop princess and mermaid all at the same time.  When we get to adulthood we are introduced to the horrible reality that limits us.  What matters is how much we push those limits.  

Exactly as I said after the first quote, it is better to make a difference than to be a sheep.  Find your own way of thinking.  If you think that something is out of order - say so.  You will be loved for it.  

With every cloud comes a silver lining.  My bad experiences last year have made me value the good in this year.  I am glad to be alive.  

You are important.  You deserve to have a voice.  You were put on this Earth for a reason.  Do something about it.  

The spark of imagination (or madness) in an actor is so important and in my work I find that there are so many people without it!  Parents who introduce their children to be as an actor rather than the character I'm playing - have some imagination!  Encourage theirs!  

We also get to choose who we kick out.  It's hard.  Especially when they keep on coming back in, but we do have it in our control.  

This line is just beautiful.  

Unfortunately this amazing man who inspired so many was unable to see his own brilliance.  

People were left incredibly surprised when the news of his death broke.  Mental illness really can be invisible.  It's an abusive relationship.  It tells you that it loves you and that you're not good enough for anyone else - it convinces you to hide your pain from others.  

While our imagination can lead us to imagine devastating consequences, they all stem from an experience we already have.  Loss.  Rejection.  Isolation.  Pain.  

I would not wish suicidal thoughts on anyone.  It is the very opposite of human instinct.  It is physically painful.  

But sometimes death seems to be the only way forward.  It is simple.  It is pure.  It is the only certain thing that will happen to us.  

But to anyone who is considering that option, please remember the other one.  Life.  

Life is sometimes painful, sometimes numb and void of any meaning but sometimes life is beautiful.  

Someday you will wake up and be glad to be alive.  You will be glad that you gave yourself a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance and so on.  

Before Alice came to Wonderland she had to fall down a pretty large hole.  

You need rain as well as sun to make a rainbow.  

So while I remember Robin Williams today - this wonderful inspirational man, I will also remember to try and see the good in every day in his memory.  

We're discussing decreasing my medication as it may be causing other health problems.  I still have the odd episode but they are few and far between.  Yet I am still frightened to begin the process of weaning myself off of them, like a child learning to walk again, but I will be brave.  

Remember Robin Williams and all his infinite wisdom.  

Remember the value of your life.

Remember to live.  

Now we end on his words