Once more I've been forced to admit that I've found myself in a black spot. The black dog has been waiting patiently behind me all this time and now it stands in front of me, challenging me to push past it. It's harder than it looks.
It's frustrating because I am so grateful for my life right now. I love my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my course at Aelfa and I'm even finding work more enjoyable for the first time in a very long time. Yet each morning there's a hand on my chest that tries to prevent me from getting out of bed. At random points of the day I find myself welling up with tears that have no reason to be there. I get angry at myself for being ungrateful and so the cycle begins again.
Has anyone else found this? I was so sure that I'd be weaned off my medication soon, but now I feel like it's not doing anything for me at all. Of course, there are better days than others - there are moments where I can push the black dog away, but I'm tired of fighting this battle which I feel like I'm losing.
I wonder if guilt is the source of this unhappiness. The horror of my past mistakes clinging onto me and refusing to let me move on with my life. Please, to anyone I have hurt (and I worry that there have been so many) - I am so deeply sorry. I wish you every happiness in whatever the future lies in store for you, truly I do pray for it.
Recently I've been looking through old photographs. It's alarming how many I look drunk in. But it's also hard flicking through the photos of relatives that I'm not in contact with anymore. It's still confusing me. I don't want any contact. I don't think. No, I don't. I think.
The point is, I've admitted now that I'm back in a black spot and rather than denying it any longer I can clamber out. I've clambered out before and I will do it again.
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