"You don't set out to build a wall. You don't say 'I'm going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that's ever been built.' You don't start there. You say, 'I'm going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid. You do that every single day. And soon you have a wall."
I may be a little slow to say this, but Will Smith is an utter legend.
He does fantastic talks that help make the mind a more positive place and this one is one of my favourites. It can be applied to so many different things. For example, it can help me put more perspective on when I am learning a new skill, I won't be perfect at it straight away and that's ok. Although I do wonder whether putting that theory into practise is going to work. I hate messing up.
It also got me thinking about something else. You see, on Monday I had a slight glitch (guess who'd missed some doses of tablets!) and got enormously panicked after I got something wrong in dance. I literally felt like the room was spinning and I was losing my grip, like when you're a kid on a roundabout and you think that you'll fly off if you let go of the bars. Anyway, I got myself sorted out fairly quickly and was fine - blip over - but it also got me frustrated.
I am completely happy with things in my life right now as I've said before. I'm even liking work! Now I laugh off the general public and really accept the compliments given to me by customers. I let their praise effect my day rather than someone moaning about the price for a ticket or treating to me like I murdered their only child when all I did was ask for ID. ANYWAY, the point is I'm happy but I get frustrated at myself because I'm not out of the woods yet.
However this quote is going to help me. It's going to remind me that even though I'm not off the tablets, that I'm still facing this battle, I am not going to transform into a 100% happy person again. What I am going to do though is build up happiness brick by brick....
Tuesday, 28 April 2015
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
Hide your face so the world will never find you
Once more I've been forced to admit that I've found myself in a black spot. The black dog has been waiting patiently behind me all this time and now it stands in front of me, challenging me to push past it. It's harder than it looks.
It's frustrating because I am so grateful for my life right now. I love my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my course at Aelfa and I'm even finding work more enjoyable for the first time in a very long time. Yet each morning there's a hand on my chest that tries to prevent me from getting out of bed. At random points of the day I find myself welling up with tears that have no reason to be there. I get angry at myself for being ungrateful and so the cycle begins again.
Has anyone else found this? I was so sure that I'd be weaned off my medication soon, but now I feel like it's not doing anything for me at all. Of course, there are better days than others - there are moments where I can push the black dog away, but I'm tired of fighting this battle which I feel like I'm losing.
I wonder if guilt is the source of this unhappiness. The horror of my past mistakes clinging onto me and refusing to let me move on with my life. Please, to anyone I have hurt (and I worry that there have been so many) - I am so deeply sorry. I wish you every happiness in whatever the future lies in store for you, truly I do pray for it.
Recently I've been looking through old photographs. It's alarming how many I look drunk in. But it's also hard flicking through the photos of relatives that I'm not in contact with anymore. It's still confusing me. I don't want any contact. I don't think. No, I don't. I think.
The point is, I've admitted now that I'm back in a black spot and rather than denying it any longer I can clamber out. I've clambered out before and I will do it again.
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