“So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!”

 

2014 is going to be good.  Not just good, it's going to be brilliant.  It will be brilliant not because of what I receive from other people, but because of the stuff that I'll be going out there doing.  I haven't really decided just yet what I'll be doing, but I'll make sure that it's just marvellous. 

 

2013's been pretty good.  I went to Central.  I had a fantastic farewell at Showbiz.  I was in Les Miserables again.  I made some new friends.  I learnt how to budget properly.  I got counselling.  I had my first professional acting role.  It's these memories that I need to take into the New Year with me. 

 

This was also the year that my Grandfather died, and with him so did the relationship with that side of the family.  I'm learning how to say my goodbyes, and praying to God to ask for the wisdom to forgive.  I cannot spend my time devoted to nurturing something that wants to whither.  I need to say goodbye and remember when it was in full bloom at its beauty. 

 

Although the black dog is still lying with his head in my lap, I'm trying to tell him stories of goodness and wisdom.  Slowly, the weight of his head won't feel so great as it did before and I'll be able to stand. 

 

I hope that all of you had a wonderful 2013 and that you are looking forward to the future.  It's yours for the taking.  You can make it into whatever you want it to be.  You are in control of your smiles and your tears. 

 

And remember, if things are bad it's only so we appreciate the good so much more when it eventually arrives. 

 

 

I taught you to fight and to fly. What more could there be?

I can feel the black dog breathing down my neck.

Which is kind of annoying really seeing as I would say that my moods have been improving recently with the increased dose of medication.  I've felt more inspired to do things, (doing them is a different kettle of fish), I've been able to think clearly at times and most importantly I haven't felt nearly as anxious.

Now, black dog is wagging its tail and looking at me hopefully looking for a stroke.  It looks so friendly and welcoming in its own twisted way, purely because it is something familiar.  'I'm the only one who will ever love you.'  It's hard to ignore something that keeps on pawing at you like that.

There are things that I can do though.  I'm learning to recognize what happens before black dog comes and takes over.  Then, when I feel that about to happen, I go out for a run.  Black dogs are seriously lazy, if you run away from it they can't be bothered to catch up, they much prefer for you to stay in bed all day.

When the black dog reminds you of the bad things, try and think of the good things that came of that - even if there are really random and far fetched.

Watch the eating pattern.  Black dog enjoys over-indulging, throwing up and starving.  But it's you who is in control of your body.

I often feel very guilty for being sick. You see the adverts of children dying in Africa, or parents who have lost their children, people who are homeless, soldiers and their families - genuine traumas.  And then there's me.  Feeling....well, feeling nothing really.  Devoid of anything most of the time.  If they can find the time to be happy, then why can't I?

But I'm changing that way of thinking.  We cannot help our emotions, even if they do seem out of place.  And when Mental Illness hits you, it's not something you can just put down again.  It eats at you and you need time to repair.  And that's ok.  

When I first posted the blog on Facebook I was absolutely terrified as being labelled as an attention-seeker.  However, with encouragement from others I gave it a go, and got an amazing response.  Thank you.  And to those who are battling your own black dog stay strong.  Good night  xx