Every now and again Peter would disappear through the clouds leaving them stranded.

Today I just feel cloudy really.  I came out of hospital on Tuesday having been there since Thursday night, and I don't know if it's this new medication - but I feel completely out of control of everything.  It's like a cloud is just going through me and muddling up all my senses and I have no idea what is really going on and no real sense of self.  I feel empty.  I feel grey.

I also found out, when I came out of hospital, that my Granddad was admitted into hospital pretty much the same time that I was.  They think that it's liver cancer.  Dad went up to see him today.  I pondered, but decided not to go.  I decided not to go for purely selfish reasons.  I am absolutely terrified that it might be one of the last times that I see him.  And I don't want my last memory to be of him as frail and me unhappy because I would be thinking about this family fight that is going on.  I'd like to look back and think fondly about when I last saw him.  Not wondering why there was this fight going on.  But I wrote in his card 'Always thinking of you'.  It's true.  I do.

That's the thing about our thoughts.  I thought that we could just lock them up in a tiny little box and then throw them away but we can't.  I shrug my shoulders at my Dad and say that it doesn't bother me.  I call my grandmother a bitch.  But it never stops hurting.  It never gets any easier.  

I think what I'm really feeling is weariness.  I'm tired of all of this.  Of everything.  I just want it all to stop.  I don't know if that's depressed.  I think I'm just resolved to it all and wanting this thing to end.  Everything to end.  I can't be bothered with any of it anymore.  I can't take pleasure in anything.  It just all gets swallowed up.