What doesn't kill us makes us stronger

'I'd fuck her, but I don't like her face.'

That was said about me today by a rather unpleasant youth whose voice was still on the verge of breaking.  At the time I told myself that I found it hilarious.  He was just a little child testing the boundaries - cross because I wouldn't let him sneak through the fire exit to get into the cinema.  I told myself that it was nothing personal.  But then I went home and cried.

Because as he said those words, I felt about twelve years old.  I could feel the heavy uncomfortable blazer and the tie strangling me.  It was my gut instinct to fall to the floor and play dead.  I thought at that moment that being dead was the best possible thing that I could do.

But now I've had my cry.  And I've plucked up the courage to write this blog on the internet.  It's not a cry for attention.  I want you to go away and think about some things.  In what society, can a young teenage boy talk about 'fucking' a stranger with such bluntness.  His friends rewarded him with admiration and praise - where did they learn that behaviour?  Where did they learn to objectify people like that?

Some say that miley cyrus is an amazing inspiration to women.  They say that she is fighting the idea of the suppressed housewife.  On the subject matter she had this to say - "I feel like I'm one of the biggest feminists in the world because I tell women to not be scared of anything,"

But let me make one thing quite clear.  miley cyrus has made things far worse for us.  Her rubbing her arse against Robin shows that while he can be appreciated for his music, she is only there to be appreciated for what her body has to offer.  Isn't that far more degrading?  If a woman wants to step forwards and make a statement against being a suppressed housewife, why does she have to do it with hardly any clothes on?  I've always found her intensely annoying, but I miss the beaver charms of hannah montanna now.  At least she was making a contribution to something - providing music for little kids to dance to.  Now she's just paid to be a skank.

In fairness, she's not the only one.  Other singers, back up dancers, actresses - loads of women in the media now feel that the only way they can be noticed is if they take off as much clothing as possible and do absolutely anything erotic.  They say that it makes them feel empowered.  To me it's like when a small child wants to help around the house.  They do it because they want to feel grown up and responsible, but it's the adult who gets the satisfaction from their chores.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that you can't blame these kids or their parents too much because what positive role models do they have to look up to?  They are rapidly decreasing.  Even the wholesome One Direction has had its fair share of scandals.  Kids are learning to objectify people in a hideous fashion.  I think it's a fair statement to say that our society only cares about looks.

So the result of this objectification is two things.  You either objectify, or get objectified.  From a very early age you have to quickly decide whether or not you're going to start picking on people for how they look.  Often it's a last resort - but interestingly you discover that it's the one that hurts the most.  Why is that?  Is that because society has taught us that being ugly is the worst we can be?

I think the reason why we get so hurt is because there is nothing we can really do to change our appearance - sure, there's plastic surgery and the like, but it's expensive and you often end up not looking human.  To insult our looks is to insult our DNA.  Our fashions change rapidly over the years, as do our interests, but how we look pretty much stays the same.

As a child I never really thought that I was ugly.  If anything, I thought that I had an uncanny resemblance to Emma Watson.  The character of Hermione Granger appealed to me as well - we were both bookish, both only children, both frequently told that we had the tendency to be annoying and we both had out of control bushy hair.  Hermione didn't spend ages looking in front of the mirror.  At the Yule Ball everyone remarked about how beautiful she looked, but the next day she was back to normal because she couldn't be bothered to put in that effort all the time when she could be using her time more wisely.  I didn't care about my appearance because Hermione Granger didn't care about her appearance.  And for all the feminists who bashed Disney Princesses, they never did me any harm - they didn't obsess over beauty and looking good, sure they had a tendency to obsess a little over a guy, but their main thing was being about a good person.  So, as a child I had good role models.

Of course, as a teenager we all completely change our minds about just how important beauty is.  Our bodies are changing and we are torn between holding onto our youth and running after adulthood.  For me, I just wanted to stop being a teenager.  Where had these hips come from?  And boobs what the hell?!  What had happened to my stick thin legs?  Why was I now curvy when I was now learning from magazines that diets were the most important thing?
I absolutely hated myself during that time.  I would talk an eyeliner and draw around all the parts of me that I wanted changed or removed - which pretty much became the whole of my body.  I'd like to say that that was a habit I gave up years ago, but I still do it.  The weird thing is that, other than my weight - I'm not too sure what I don't like about my face.  I look at pictures of me as a kid and think how cute I look, but now I can't stand looking in a mirror.  It's still the same face, and yet everytime I see my reflection it's like a knife stabbing me because God hasn't waved His magic wand and made me pretty overnight.  I'd stand in front of the mirror, my eyes tightly closed, desperately praying for Him to make me look pretty.  I'd leave it a couple of minutes and then open my eyes, expecting to see a goddess, but it was just me.

Girls (and boys) why are we putting ourselves through this?  We all have had a stage of self-loathing purely due to the way that we look.  Why?  Why do we put so much value into it?  When we insult someone, why is it that one of the first things we insult is their appearance?

I put myself to the task of finding pictures of the women I believe to be the most beautiful - purely on their looks.

 I know I'm not a conventional beauty. You can read a lot of painful things on the Internet, which criticise you aesthetically - but as far as I'm concerned, that's not what an actress is.

Perfect is very boring, and if you happen to have a different look, that's a celebration of human nature, I think. If we were all symmetrical and perfect, life would be very dull.


-  Natalie Dormer

‘As a child, I never heard one woman say to me, "I love my body". Not my mother, my elder sister, my best friend. No one woman has ever said, "I am so proud of my body." So I make sure to say it to Mia [her daughter], because a positive physical outlook has to start at an early age.’

. ‘As a young girl, I never felt attractive. I was fat and unhappy at times, and that kind of thinking stays with you your entire life. There's always going to be a part of me that worries about not looking as slim as other actresses. But at a certain point, when you achieve a lot of your goals and you can be proud of your work, you start to relax more about who you are. And that includes your appearance and self-image – I don't think I look too bad for a mother of two. But women shouldn't have to feel the pressure to compare themselves to actresses or models.’ 

-  Kate Winslet

"I think if (your friends and family) feel you are doing the right thing, you can only be true to yourself and you sort of have to ignore a lot of what is said.'

-  Kate Middleton

"A movie about a weak, vulnerable woman can be feminist if it shows a real person that we can empathize with."

"Where I live, nobody who's fourteen is having sex and doing major drugs. And I think if you see it in the movies, you may be influenced by it. I think it's so important to preserve your innocence."

-  Natalie Portman

"It took me ages to grow into being a woman, into being happy with it."

"Everybody has an inferiority complex when they step into a room. But then when you have children and you get older, it doesn't really matter. When I was young I had so many inferiority complexes. I had an inferiority complex because I didn't go to university. I had an inferiority complex because I didn't train."

"Very early on, you figure out that you put your self-esteem in the hands of strangers."

-  Helena Bonham-Carter

"I don't have perfect teeth, I'm not stick thin. I want to be the person who feels great in her body and can say that she loves it and doesn't want to change anything."

"I do worry about the expectation to look a certain way."

-  Emma Watson

"No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't."

"A sex symbol becomes a thing. I just hate to be a thing."

-  Marilyn Monroe

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

"The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years."

-  Audrey Hepburn   






  "I really believe that in this Industry women have to be very true to themselves about what they're comfortable with."

  "I can’t do anything about people’s opinions of me. If I’ve learned anything it’s to be able to go, “I can only give it my best — I can’t control what people think"                           

-  Keira Knightley                                        

“I’d rather look chubby on screen and like a person in real life.” 

"Somebody told me I was fat; that I was going to get fired if I didn't lose a certain amount of weight.  They brought in pictures of me where I was basically naked, and told me to use them as motivation for my diet.  They thought that because of the way my career had gone, it wouldn't still hurt me.  If anybody even tries to whisper the word 'diet,' I'm like, 'You can go fuck yourself'.  

-  Jennifer Lawrence




It was only after getting them all together did I realise that I consider these women beautiful because of who they are rather than what they look like.  The fairytales had it right all along, ugliness of the soul shines through.  But so does unhappiness.

I'd like to say that my Eureka moment will result in me becoming a far more confident young woman who can look in the mirror and say 'I am beautiful', but for now I don't see that happening.  I'm not sure if it will even happen, but I want to focus my energy and efforts on the kids today.  I want to teach them that beauty is about being kind and thoughtful.  I want to teach them that objectifying people is wrong and cruel.  I want them to love themselves, and love others too.  For the moment, it's just a dream.  So I need to wake up and start.  

A Letter

I don't suppose you'll ever read this.  I don't particularly care if you do, I just have to type this all out because I am going insane having to bottle this all up.  

There are five stages of grief, and five responses that I'd like to give you for all of this.  

Number 1) Denial.  This is the part where I say that everything can return to how it was, nothing need change.  Or if change is necessary, then I will hide myself out of the way.  Denial also arrives when other people tell me what a jackass you are, I defend you.  I pity you.  I keep your secrets quiet because you asked me to.  I think that if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, I can fix everything.  

Number 2) Anger.  This is a fun one.  It's the one I'm feeling now actually.  It's the one where I want to say FUCK YOU.  You said you cared about me, and then you roll over and let the mud be thrown at me just because it's convenient for you.  How dare you make out like you're such a sweetie when you're absolutely vile.  The things I have heard from other girls makes me absolutely astonished that people like you even still exist.  The stuff that comes out of your mouth is only to make you look good and make others like you - even if it means hurting someone.  Why did I stick up for you?  What is stopping me from revealing everything?  

Number 3) Bargaining.  This one came at the beginning really.  I thought I'd change a major part of my life, just to convenience you.  Thankfully, when I came up with my genius plans - other people wouldn't let me go through with them.  

Number 4) Depression.  Well, I have this clinically anyway but this still didn't help.  Don't get too happy though, the scars aren't for you.  I absolutely hated myself.  I wanted to punish myself for ruining your life.  There was no one I hated more than myself.  I was devastated that I had caused a friend pain.  I missed you as well.  Little things really.  

Number 5) Acceptance.  This is a tricky one.  I'm not quite there yet.  I don't like being made out to be a whore.  I don't like lies being made up about me.  But don't worry, sunshine - I won't be spilling all your secrets, I'm rising above that, I just want you to remember that had I not stuck up for you the way that I did, you'd be in a far worse position.  

I spent ages writing and rewriting apology letters, hate letters, friendly letters but I could never send them.  When I tried sending a text it was too big and wouldn't send - God was probably intervening there and telling me you're not worth it.  

The truth is, I feel absolutely betrayed.  I confided in you that I struggle accepting people and trusting them, you got me to trust you, and now it's all gone so horribly wrong even though our last contact was positive and you were friendly.  I guess I have to suppose it's because you didn't want me revealing anything.  

I've tried to keep this as vague as possible, but a load of you geniuses out there will easily be able to tell who I'm on about.  Some of you already know my side of the story.  Some of you helped me claw my way back from the gutter.  And if you're reading this and you know it's directed at you, then I ask you one question.

Why?

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small

I've not posted in quite a while.

I went through a bit of a tough time recently, so I've spent my days becoming addicted to the Disney film 'Frozen'.  I'm not sure if you should be so in love with a Disney film when you're nearly twenty but, 'I don't care what they're going to say!'

Sorry.  Lyrics to the songs have a tendency to creep into my normal conversation these days.

Anyway, on Friday the seventh I decided to punish myself for my sins.  The idea was for me to be gone from this Earth; I'm not saying this to get sympathy, that idea doesn't matter, what does matter is that I got out of that hole.  I let the people around me help me out.  It's tempting when you're in that mood to close yourself off from the world, and that's what I usually do, but this time I didn't and that's why I'm able to sit here typing this today.

From now on, I'm not going to be scared.  It's a scary thought that I no longer will be able to bottle things up, but the monsters at the end of my bed need to be told to go and do one.  I am incredibly lucky and thankful to have the support of people, and I now need to allow myself to use it.  No more hiding in my bedroom.  No more acting a different part.  I'm going to be me myself and I.  I'm going to acknowledge that some days are bad days, but then good days come.  I'm going to look towards the future, even if it is terrifying.

I'll probably still visit Neverland from time to time.  It's still a part of me.  I think it always will be a part of me.  But I'm going to push on forwards.  Sometimes my Mum will have to tug me along, but she does a brilliant job of that and eventually I'll be able to stand on my own two feet.  

I am quite aware of how cheesy this post is.  However, I have been spending a fair bit of time looking out for happy things and from that comes quite a lot of cheese.  

But tbh I say...

I am human.  I make mistakes.  I have a chemical imbalance in my head.  I will take my medication instead of lying about taking it.  I have bad days.  I have good days.  I have friends.  I have family.  And somewhere inside of me is that old spark.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk

Laugh broke into a million pieces

Learnt something new about myself today.

I hate crowds.

Well, sort of.  I hate large groups of people.  Large groups of people laughing.  Large groups of strangers laughing.  They all just stood there and wouldn't stop.  They just kept on laughing and I couldn't stand it.

I felt shaky, I wanted to throw up, my head felt ready to explode; even now I can hear them laughing.  It just won't stop.  I watch funny videos to try and make me laugh with them, but their laughing gets louder as they laugh at me trying to fit in with them.  Laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing.

I want to throttle them.

“So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!”

 

2014 is going to be good.  Not just good, it's going to be brilliant.  It will be brilliant not because of what I receive from other people, but because of the stuff that I'll be going out there doing.  I haven't really decided just yet what I'll be doing, but I'll make sure that it's just marvellous. 

 

2013's been pretty good.  I went to Central.  I had a fantastic farewell at Showbiz.  I was in Les Miserables again.  I made some new friends.  I learnt how to budget properly.  I got counselling.  I had my first professional acting role.  It's these memories that I need to take into the New Year with me. 

 

This was also the year that my Grandfather died, and with him so did the relationship with that side of the family.  I'm learning how to say my goodbyes, and praying to God to ask for the wisdom to forgive.  I cannot spend my time devoted to nurturing something that wants to whither.  I need to say goodbye and remember when it was in full bloom at its beauty. 

 

Although the black dog is still lying with his head in my lap, I'm trying to tell him stories of goodness and wisdom.  Slowly, the weight of his head won't feel so great as it did before and I'll be able to stand. 

 

I hope that all of you had a wonderful 2013 and that you are looking forward to the future.  It's yours for the taking.  You can make it into whatever you want it to be.  You are in control of your smiles and your tears. 

 

And remember, if things are bad it's only so we appreciate the good so much more when it eventually arrives. 

 

 

I taught you to fight and to fly. What more could there be?

I can feel the black dog breathing down my neck.

Which is kind of annoying really seeing as I would say that my moods have been improving recently with the increased dose of medication.  I've felt more inspired to do things, (doing them is a different kettle of fish), I've been able to think clearly at times and most importantly I haven't felt nearly as anxious.

Now, black dog is wagging its tail and looking at me hopefully looking for a stroke.  It looks so friendly and welcoming in its own twisted way, purely because it is something familiar.  'I'm the only one who will ever love you.'  It's hard to ignore something that keeps on pawing at you like that.

There are things that I can do though.  I'm learning to recognize what happens before black dog comes and takes over.  Then, when I feel that about to happen, I go out for a run.  Black dogs are seriously lazy, if you run away from it they can't be bothered to catch up, they much prefer for you to stay in bed all day.

When the black dog reminds you of the bad things, try and think of the good things that came of that - even if there are really random and far fetched.

Watch the eating pattern.  Black dog enjoys over-indulging, throwing up and starving.  But it's you who is in control of your body.

I often feel very guilty for being sick. You see the adverts of children dying in Africa, or parents who have lost their children, people who are homeless, soldiers and their families - genuine traumas.  And then there's me.  Feeling....well, feeling nothing really.  Devoid of anything most of the time.  If they can find the time to be happy, then why can't I?

But I'm changing that way of thinking.  We cannot help our emotions, even if they do seem out of place.  And when Mental Illness hits you, it's not something you can just put down again.  It eats at you and you need time to repair.  And that's ok.  

When I first posted the blog on Facebook I was absolutely terrified as being labelled as an attention-seeker.  However, with encouragement from others I gave it a go, and got an amazing response.  Thank you.  And to those who are battling your own black dog stay strong.  Good night  xx

Dear Fifteen Year Old Me

It would be cool if we owned a TARDIS.  Or at least had some kind of method of time travel.  Although, one persons mistake can often be another's success and we'd always be travelling backwards rather than forwards.  Anyway, I digress.  What I meant to blog about was what I would say to my fifteen year old self.

Dear Marie,

Or do you prefer to be called Mariella at the moment?  You did go through that phase.  Mariella who wore a lot of black and brightly coloured eyeliner.  Mariella who was still trying to look emo after four years of secondary school.  I implore you, please don't.  No one ever should.

Let your dad take your picture.  He's interested in photography and he just wants some photos of his oldest girl smiling.  You might hate those photos at the moment, but trust me in four years time you'll wish that there had been more taken because you're much skinnier then and you'll be very annoyed about it because it turns out that Daddy was right all along after all.

Another person who's right an extremely high percentage of the time is Mum.  Yes.  Mum.  For starters she was right about the foundation.  It IS supposed to blend in with your natural face colour.  Those other girls just choose an orange shade because they long to come from Loompaland.  They look ridiculous, don't model yourself on them.

She's also right about your friends.  Which ones to stick with, and which ones to ditch.  Don't bother trying to fix something that was never in place from the beginning.  Just walk away, sweetheart.  It'll save you so much grief.

Don't be afraid to sing modern music.  You can actually do it.  Wanna know something else?  Anyone can do anything.  It just takes the right attitude.

Being smart is a good thing.  Paying attention in class is even better.  Teach yourself outside of school, talk to your teachers and ask them questions.  If someone's mean to you about it's just because they're envious.

Stop trying to talk more chavvy.  It's not cool.  It sounds horrendous.

Learn what the swear words mean before you use them....

YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE ON TEEN MOM SO STOP THINKING THAT IT IS A GOOD IDEA!!

In the P.E changing rooms, don't stand shy cramped in the corner.  Those girls can bloody well move.

But on to a more serious note.  Things are beginning to change.  All children have imaginary friends who eventually up and leave.  You didn't have imaginary friends.  You had imaginary enemies.  And they're about to appear in more than your dreams.  They're going to be so lifelike.  It's terrifying.  You'll get confused about fact and fiction.  It will even drive apart relationships.  But keep going.  These people from the other side do not control you.  Do not listen to them.  And remember that when you are scared of them, you can call of Anne who will protect you.

Mood swings are starting too.  They're not just hormones.  Write them down and keep a track.  Have you noticed a pattern?  (If you do, please let me know because as of yet I am still to find one!!)  Let people know about them as well, it's fine.  They're actually quite understanding about it.

I suppose that I could reflect more on what else you could change to stop these side effects from coming, but that would be living in the past and I don't really want to do that any more.  I want to move on and forwards.  And you're coming with me.  Sure, you could do loads of stuff that would maybe change the outcome of how I am now.  But then I wouldn't be me.  I'd be someone else.  And I don't know who that someone is, so why should I wish for it?  Look forwards but comfort the past.

I'm not there yet, doll, but there will be a time when we beat this.  When we don't have to worry about medication and appointments and tests and all the like.  We'll just get out of bed in the morning and be happy.

Oh, and one more thing.  In four years time you're going to be a professional actress.  Keep your chin up, girl.

Marie  xx